Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th  straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday:

Being a chief negotiator for a union is not easy – which has been especially true this year. On one hand, the whole purpose of the labor movement has been to ensure good wages and living standards for workers everywhere. On the other, we promised the older workers we represent everything including the moon and beyond, and someone has to pay for it. So the challenge is simple – how do we screw younger workers to the wall in order to pay for the older folks, without getting them so pissed off that they break the union all together and stop paying the dues that I live off of?

It’s been a fine line, but I’m proud to say to day that my brother and sister unions have now managed to walk that line now a remarkable 1,647 times in a row – a procession of job cuts and wage decreases for young workers and new hires, making the young ones pay more into the pension plans while agreeing to take less from them (if anything is left for them at all, that is), increased contributions to health care plans that they’ll never get a dime from – you name it, we’ve managed to do it. And in many cases, not only have we managed to shield the older workers from most of the pain, we’ve figured out how to get them into early-retirement instead! How sweet is that?!?

So as we continue on this journey through these tumultous economic times, citizens of this fine country can rest assured that your union representatives stand ready to do anything – and I do mean anything – we possibly can to continue our fine tradition of impoverishing younger workers for the benefit of older ones, just as Marx intended. Marx being my buddy that I just got packaged off for an early retirement package at the age of 57 by merely agreeing to a 22% wage cut for new hires, of course.