As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:

As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.

Our immediate target is of course the new owners- and with the U.S. government now owning a shocking 60% of the “new GM”, and something called “Canada” owning another 12%, we expect to play an important role in bringing these great nations to their knees is a much-shorter time frame – we’re thinking five years or so seems about right. At that point we will explore how to best sell out the company to the most likely suitor – which is of course China, but could possibly also include India – which we then hope to destroy in about 3 years. Then we can hopefully have the world unite in taking over the “United Nations of GM”, at which point we can sit back and wait for some inter-galactic predators offering better fuel efficiency and value for money to swoop in and shatter this “Earth” thing.

It will not be easy – but accomplishing anything so remarkable never is. So we promise to work tirelessly and endlessly, within the confines of our union-negotiated productivity limits and mandatory vacations of course, to ensure that we succeed in continously obliterating bigger and better things for many years to come.