Image Source: Thetimes.co.uk.

In a shocking development heralded as “one for the little guy”, workers from the private and public sector alike banded together today and successfully sued for “their fair share of the bailout dollars.” To quote spokesperson Bill Patrika: “As Obama so eloquently pointed out, bailouts have to be about Main Street, not just Wall Street – so we decided to take action. In turn, our now successful lawsuit asked that instead of bailing out all of those greedy banks and oil companies, we finally make them pay – and use all their ill-gotten profits to save the pension plans of workers everywhere!”

After Congress shocked the world by voting to support this incredibly progressive proposal, every pension plan in the country was deemed fully funded at 1:12 pm. After celebrating for seven minutes, at 1:19 pm it was revealed that 72% of the pension plan assets had been invested in banks and oil companies, which were now being marked down to a fair asset value of $0. At 1:20 pm Patrika announced to perplexed supporters that the pension plans were now “incredibly, even more bankrupt than they were this morning”, but pointed hopefully towards the future thanks to new efficiencies that had been revealed in the process – such as cutting down on legal costs by just having workers sue themselves directly the next time around.