Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »
As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:
As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.
After securing a landmark deal that would see the United Auto Workers Union assume majority ownership of Chrysler, spokesperson Hugh Ghipocrit proudly made two announcements: that Karl Marx himself would be proud of what the UAW has secured for the working class, and that the layoff, hiring freeze, and wage cut program targeted at all young and future workers would commence immediately. As he went on to explain during the press conference:
After centuries of struggle, we have finally realized Marx’s vision of the workers assuming control of the means of production- and I am a certain that he would be proud of this monumental achievement, if he hadn’t died several years ago. What? How along ago? Holy s$%t, why are we… er, never mind. Now we must follow through on the next, though less publicized, step in his plan – to drastically cut wages for all current workers, layoff all the young ones, and ensure that no new workers whatsoever can secure a unionized job of any kind at any point in the future.
chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:
Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.
Courtesy of The Beast, America’s Best Fiend (do you think it’s UAW approved?):
Teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, U.S. automakers are once again looking to the government to bail them out. In order to help with the cause, the United Auto Workers (UAW) union is reaching out to working class Americans everywhere with a simple message: Help prevent us from becoming like you – support your local auto worker bailout!
As Union spokesman Chris McCurty explained late last evening: “As a working class American, you probably know that your job and pay package is pretty sh$%!y, and how hard that makes your life. Well, we’re different – our workers have been making many times than what most of you make each year, for many decades, while working less. Hell, some of them often get paid to just sit at home and do nothing! I’ve got to tell you, it’s pretty awesome, and that’s why I’m appealing to your sense of worker solidarity. Please, let’s stick together and keep the dream alive – support the bailout to help prevent us from becoming like you!”
