As the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) prepares to raise prices yet again, Moody’s has announced that they are initiating coverage of the underlying tokens by applying a Aaa “investment grade” rating – making them the highest quality, lowest risk assets available on the market. As a spokesperson recently explained:

The TTC, without fail, has managed to implement significant price increases every few years, and has done so without having to shoulder the costs for things like “improved service.” This alone makes the underlying tokens an attractive investment, as investors can receive equity-like price appreciation on a liquid asset, while only taking on government-debt levels of risk. And given that the owners of the TTC – otherwise known as the City of Toronto – have repeatedly proven that they can’t balance a budget, investors can be sure that similar price increases will continue well into the future. In turn, we are recommending that all investors take advantage of this attractive and emerging asset class, assuming they have any money left after paying to ride the subway.

When asked about the underlying risks, the spokesperson started mumbling something about “well, I suppose the TTC might start becoming more efficient some day and offer better value for money to transit riders”, before the overwhelming streams of laughter from the crowd forced security to bring the meeting to a halt.

In an attempt to deal with the dual issue of parents being stuck at home due to city daycare workers being on strike, and trash piling up around the city due to garbagemen being on strike, the City of Toronto has announced an innovative new ‘take your kids to pick up garbage day’ for this coming Monday. However, David Miller did remind Toronto citizens looking to capitalize on this opportunity that there really wasn’t anywhere for them to take the garbage they might pick up, thus his team would be following the kids and parents around to give them $10,000 fines if the garbage is placed anywhere other than their garages. When told that most people don’t have garages in this city, and many don’t even have yards, he noted the alternative option of parents just taking some of their 18 sick days, and whatever else they’ve banked over the years, to stay home for the duration of the strike. When reminded that the only people living on Toronto that have that option are those currently on strike, he reminded us “that’s why we created take your kid to pick up garbage’ day”, before fining a reporter $380 when a wrapper fell out of his pocket.

In a creative effort to bolster union finances heading into what could be a long and stinky painful strike, representatives for City of Toronto workers are asking recently laid off and unemployed people to send their benefit cheques directly to Local 416. As a union rep recently explained:

In these trying economic times, it is more important then ever that workers stand together and fight for the wages and benefits they deserve. And who better to understand the importance of this then the thousands of people in the city that have recently lost their jobs, or haven’t been able to find one in a long time? In turn, we are reaching out to this long disenfranchised group, and asking them to join our fight by signing over their unemployment or welfare checks directly to us. If workers and, er, those without work can unite in this way, we can stand strong and maintain our basic human right to, for example, be able to accumulate our sick days and receive multi-thousand dollar payouts just before we retire onto our gold-plated pension plan.

When queried about whether the union would consider giving up a few of these benefits to create new jobs for struggling workers and provide better service to the city during these trying times, he replied “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said – you must be speaking Korean or something” before heading off to throw rocks at people trying to drop their kids off at now-closed day cares.