On the heels PetroChina’s $1.9 Billion bid for a stake in Calgary-based Athabasca Oil Sands Corp., reports indicate that China has submitted a “slightly more ambitious” offer of $7.2 Trillion for “everything in Canada, except Ontario.” While some commentators have indicated that such a deal would create “serious questions” about the sovereignty of the nation going forward, they also note that most Canadians have “disliked Ontario for quite some time, and would have to seriously consider the benefits of severing their ties with their obnoxious neighbours in exchange for the patient, less annoying at dinner parties, long-term partner that China could become.” Reports also indicate that the United States is considering an even higher counter offer in order to maintain acquire control of their northern neighbor, while reducing the exclusion from “except Ontario” to “except Toronto” in order to gain further support from a nation “tired of those latte sipping snobs.” However, this offer is on hold until America figures out whether they can secure financing for the offer from private investors led by China Inc., China Corp, and China Capital Corp. Inc.

In an attempt to assure jittery investors that BCE is still a good investment after the OTPP led buyout fell through, the Telecom Behemoth annouced their new growth strategy today: bi-annual aborted takeover attempts. As company spokesman Joseph Diablo explained to us yesterday, “the $1.2 Billion break up fee BCE is trying to get from the OTPP equals a solid 20% of our 2007 earnings. Any way you slice it, that’s extraordinary growth that deserves a high multiple. So investors should be pleased to note that BCE will enhancing our business model by focusing on achieving a minimum of two aborted takeover attempts per year, into perpetuity. Every attractive looking offer that hasn’t a chance in hell of being finalized will be considered.” When questioned on whether offering “better products and services” might be a superior growth strategy, Diablo replied “That’s an extremely interesting idea, and we’d like to talk to you about it further once you submit your binding leveraged buyout offer.”