As the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) prepares to raise prices yet again, Moody’s has announced that they are initiating coverage of the underlying tokens by applying a Aaa “investment grade” rating – making them the highest quality, lowest risk assets available on the market. As a spokesperson recently explained:

The TTC, without fail, has managed to implement significant price increases every few years, and has done so without having to shoulder the costs for things like “improved service.” This alone makes the underlying tokens an attractive investment, as investors can receive equity-like price appreciation on a liquid asset, while only taking on government-debt levels of risk. And given that the owners of the TTC – otherwise known as the City of Toronto – have repeatedly proven that they can’t balance a budget, investors can be sure that similar price increases will continue well into the future. In turn, we are recommending that all investors take advantage of this attractive and emerging asset class, assuming they have any money left after paying to ride the subway.

When asked about the underlying risks, the spokesperson started mumbling something about “well, I suppose the TTC might start becoming more efficient some day and offer better value for money to transit riders”, before the overwhelming streams of laughter from the crowd forced security to bring the meeting to a halt.

While the debate continues to swirl around whether a 13-year old girl should be allowed to sail solo around the world, recent reports indicate her hopes for becoming the youngest ever to do so are all but shattered – thanks to a Norwegian couple recently launching a fetus into the ocean on a similar journey. While some critics complain that a fetus is “too immature” to handle the demands of such and around-the-earth excursion, supporters indicate that this is no ordinary fetus – having showed great maturity in handling a growth rate twice the normal average, even while confined to a tiny relatively beaker. Moreover, the parent’s carefully chosen call for support – “prevent the abortion of our fetus’ journey” – has become a rallying call for pro-life advocates eager to take up any fight against the words “abortion” and “fetus” in the same sentence.

Remarkably, even if the fetus does manage to complete it’s journey the world-record may be short-lived – first by a test-tube of specimen launched by a German sperm bank three weeks ago, and then by a “broken condom from a one night stand” a New Jersey man launched this morning.

Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th  straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »

After learning that Angelina Jolie has surpassed her as the world’s top celebrity, friends of Oprah Winfrey report that she has taken to wearing a vile of Stedman’s blood around in neck in an effort to regain the crown. Some people continue to doubt her dedication to the cause, noting that it remains unclear whether she intends to woo her relatives, or adopt a small nation worth of children – though some guessing that she’s just laying in wait to one-up Jolie’s Brad Pitt move by stealing Ellen Degeneres’ girlfriend.

The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:

Continued »

Reports from anonymous sources inside the NBA league office indicate that commissioner David Stern is lobbying hard to push through a “Lebron James for J.J. Reddick and a first round pick” trade before the NBA finals tip-off this Thursday. While acknowledging that there is no precedent for such a seemingly unfair move in the days right before the finals, the Commissioner has presented a compelling case to the other owners in the league – including that recouping the $48 Million already invested in “The NBA: where Lebron vs. Kobe happens” paraphernalia would help with revenue sharing, and that the inequity issue is overblown due to the relative talent exchange being roughly equal to what the Lakers gave up to acquire Pau Gasol’s services last year.

As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:

As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.

Continued »

After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:

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As the Netherlands faces the prospect of closing eight prisons at the cost of 1,200 jobs due to an appalling “lack of criminals“, Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak is calling on all Dutch citizens to protect this “integral part of the economy during this period of unprecedented economic turmoil” by committing more crimes. Continued »

As Mel Gibson heads towards what some are anticipating to be the most expensive divorce in Hollywood history, it appears he’s decided to “go with a proven defense strategy” – impassionately yelling “freeeeeeeeedommmmmm” over and over again at the court in a faux-Scottish accent. Sources indicate that this strategy,  designed to help “win over the hearts and minds needed to defend, er, his massive wealth“, beat out a variety of other contenders, including a group mooning of the court, hiring Danny Glover as his straight man/ assistant attorney, and of course a prolonged anti-semetic tirade. While somewhat impressed with the creativity of the choice, sources also indicate the divorce proceedings will “likely end quite similarly the movie which inspired the defense strategy” – financially speaking, of course.