Sometimes a story is too big to be expressed and summarized in the space we have here, sometimes the story is too irrelevant, other times, it’s simply slanderous, for those reasons, some stories are left on the cutting room floor. Below is a list of some of stories from the past weeks and months that didn’t get a chance to see the light of day (or get written at all):

• Republican pundits describe Obama’s first full day in office as “24 hours long”
• Santa Clause denies little boy’s christmas wish for world peace
• Australian Government uses technology to demonstrate their complete lack of understanding of it
• New box office numbers confirm that people have too much money
• Religious fundamentalists strongly approve of Obama’s “No Pork” agenda
• Fervent Naomi Klein supporters furious to learn they have made her fabulously wealthy
• Atheist comedian insists brevity is the mind of wit
• Humanity’s faith in itself further eroded by fall primetime lineup
• Illiteracy prevents Sarah Palin from recognizing extent of ridicule
• “I don’t like the way you claim I criticize you,” unrepentant friend asserts

If you think there’s been an error and some of the above should have been adequately covered by chTONGUEeek, let us know in a comment!

Reports from the North Pole indicate that, after a ‘surprisingly challenging’ Christmas season, Santa Claus in joining the long list of suitors for the global bailout money that is sloshing around the world. As a not-so-jolly Saint Nick explained last night:

Due to detailed knowledge of the “naughty or nice” behavior of our target demographic, we thought that our core business would be immune to the global economic slowdown and liquidity crisis – particularly as we prudently made the “nice” threshold more difficult to achieve for fiscal year end. However, in an attempted cost control measure we locked into a series of coal-related derivative contracts in early 2008 that extend through 2012. With coal prices having dropped so dramatically over the last year, we are now on the hook for a multi-trillion dollar unfunded liability. In turn, not only are we are unable to deliver the necessary coal to our “naughty” customers at a reasonable rate, but the liability was guaranteed by our “nice consumer” financing division, which now can’t access the necessary credit in order to meet the wishes of our ever-dwindling number of “nice” customers. The issues this creates for our core “Christmas” offering are not only dramatic for our own enterprise, but could have a systematic effect on the entire retail economy which has grown heavily dependent on our ongoing success. Thus, we are asking governments around the world to unite and help save this critically important foundation of the global economy. Ho, ho, ho!?!?

Critics were quick to point out that while Santa Claus may have a point, the bonuses that he collected in terms of cookies and milk over a recent 24-hour period make any such bailout difficult for beleaguered taxpayers to swallow – noting that (gallingly) he even looks a little fatter then normal for this time of year. However, left-leaning politicians appeared to be reluctantly galvanizing behind the new bailout proposal, so long as the “benefits also flowed to the little people doing most of the real work. Wait, can we call them little people? It sounds kind of offensive. Regardless, the bailout needs to help more people than just those wearing the fancy red suits with souped up sleighs.” This notion was particularly popular in the more developed economies, as politicians feared that without immediate action, Santa Claus might outsource his entire operation to the South Pole in coming years.