As seen on Google News today. Reports indicate that the United States is likely to be the highest bidder, based on the cash they are expecting to collect after they sell themselves to China.
The rich dividends at Canada’s big banks look safe, but further substantial erosion in the banks’ earnings base would put those dividends at risk this year, UBS Securities Canada Inc. said Friday. In related news, chTONGUEeek is reporting that financial institutions like UBS Securities could significantly improve their balance sheets by ridding themselves of highly-paid people stating findings that are blatently obvious.
In order to battle record breaking budget deficits, chTONGUEeek has learned that governments throughout the world are uniting to drive their most ambitious, coordinated effort yet: “encouraging citizens to drink and smoke… preferably at the Bingo Hall.” As a coughing, drunken woman recently explained while “setting a good example” during her sixth round of a multi-card super special: Continued »
As the reality of California’s first-ever furloughs reverberated through the state last week with 200,000 workers staying home on unpaid leave, chTONGUEeek has learned that speed-of-service metrics declined a shocking 0.21%. While questions have already started to mount about how long Californians can reasonably be expected to deal with such a slow down in exchange for savings of “merely tens of millions of dollars” per day, our special correspondent has also learned that customer satisfaction ratings have actually increased by 274%. As a guy sitting on a park bench explained recently: Continued »
In what a collection of fools some see has a rare glimmer of good news within our current economic tsunami, the Governor of the Bank of Canada has reassured worried Canadians that, despite the recession, prices for goods and services will continue to go up. As a guy standing beside a girl that knows a spokesperson for the Bank of Canada told us yesterday:
Everybody knows that economic conditions are bad right now – jobs are being lost, housing prices are plummeting, wages are falling, and the stock market is imploding. But while Canadians join the rest of the world in struggling with all of these issues, they can rest assured that the Bank of Canada is actively fighting the threat of “dangerous deflation gripping the Canadian economy.” Deflation, of course, is the persistant decrease in the general price level of goods and services, and the Governor repeated SEVERAL times that they take this threat of cheaper stuff very, very seriously. So Canadians should breathe easy knowing that no matter how poor they become, the Bank of Canada will, thanks to a strong banking system and the help of some powerful corporations, make sure that everything they might want to buy will be that much more expensive.
While the sight of American citizens celebrating their audacity to hope brought joy to many across the globe, our economics correspondent has learned of another reason why 20/1/2009 will go down as a historic day - the record number of viewers for the inauguration finally tipped America into a full-blown economic depression. As he explained from the bunker he was digging himself last night:
Well, pretty much everybody knows that the economy has been hanging by a thread – and any chance we had of turning this thing around required a whole bunch of people making a whack load of crap, and a whole bunch of other people buying it. Unfortunately, sometime around noon not only did the productivity of the nation drop below zero – which is remarkable in it’s own right, because it’s hard to produce less than nothing – but nobody was buying a damn thing. Turns out that roughly 1/2 hour of productivity and sales was that final thread, and, well, we’re now officially in a Depression. It’s sure going to be hard to be mellow and get ahead, man.
When pressed for some good news, said correspondent shrugged his shoulders a bit and said “Um, an audaciously hopeful Depression?”, before hermetically sealing himself off from the conversation.
In a provocative new report released Wednesday, the Conference Board has announced that Canada will not avoid a recession in the Winter of 2009. In similarly shocking news, it was also announced that Canadians will be unable to avoid snow, “being cold”, the exodous of their top comedians, and the occassional Celine Dion concert in the same time frame.
chTONGUEeek’s “so secret he doesn’t even know who he is” Economics correspondent has discovered that Economists are now unanimously concerned that any imminent economic recovery may be stymied by oil prices either going up, or going down, or staying the same. The summary of his findings were as follows:
For several years economists were worried about run-away oil prices sending consumer prices through the roof, and the potential for the hyper-inflationary outcomes that could ensue. While some of this fear still lingers even in the wake of rapid price declines, they are now also worried that at current prices there is extreme risk of deflation and/or an economic collapse as numerous oil drilling projects become unprofitable, which can only get worse if the oil price drops further. In turn, any hope of an economic recovery is dependent on ensuring that oil prices neither go up, nor down, nor stay the same.
In a clear sign of the trying times, it is being reported that many companies have replaced the once ubiquitous “Christmas Bonus” check this holiday season with a “Christmas Not-Getting-Laid-Off” note. The most innovative of these companies presented the notes in new “Help those poor suckers who got fired carry their stuff to the car” Pot luck events, which replaced the more traditional “Christmas party”. On the upside, reports indicate that Henry Paulson is considering accepting these not-getting-laid-off notes as collateral for newly issued debt from the treasury. The hope is that this new round of spending stimulus can help clear up the situation before the economy drifts into what could be a very, very confusing April Fool’s day.
