Reports coming out from U.K. scientists today indicate that other than a little problem with “fueling tumor growth“, a new cancer drug in trial stages called Cilengitide is “pretty darned good.” Pharma analysts went onto add that “while cancer patients may initially be troubled by the fact that the actual tumor gets bigger and more deadly and what not, we think that many of them will look past it thanks to the attractive cherry flavor option, and a price point that is far, far lower than competing cancer drugs – which are handicapped by their desire to actually cure things – is certainly an advantage in these recessionary times.”

Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline announced today what analysts are already calling its “most profitable drug yet.” While details on what the drug will do are fuzzy at best, a GSK spokesman revealed that the wonderdrug would be “ideal for peoples of all color, creed, age, disposition and income,” adding that “the ubersupplement, tentatively named Profitax®, will be released over the counter and at a number of price points such that no one is denied the opportunity to purchase the pharmaceutical product of tomorrow.”

GSK shareholders too are delighted by the announcement. Orson Ballard, who owns several thousand shares of GSK commented: “I’m no chemist or biologist, so I don’t pretend to understand how exactly the drug operates, but I understand that there is a direct correlation between the method of action of this exciting new drug, and the size of my new summer house. I think that’s good for everyone, especially in these times of economic uncertainty.”

In response to this announcement, Roche has announced a competing product, Placebex ER®.