Reports from the North Pole indicate that, after a ‘surprisingly challenging’ Christmas season, Santa Claus in joining the long list of suitors for the global bailout money that is sloshing around the world. As a not-so-jolly Saint Nick explained last night:

Due to detailed knowledge of the “naughty or nice” behavior of our target demographic, we thought that our core business would be immune to the global economic slowdown and liquidity crisis – particularly as we prudently made the “nice” threshold more difficult to achieve for fiscal year end. However, in an attempted cost control measure we locked into a series of coal-related derivative contracts in early 2008 that extend through 2012. With coal prices having dropped so dramatically over the last year, we are now on the hook for a multi-trillion dollar unfunded liability. In turn, not only are we are unable to deliver the necessary coal to our “naughty” customers at a reasonable rate, but the liability was guaranteed by our “nice consumer” financing division, which now can’t access the necessary credit in order to meet the wishes of our ever-dwindling number of “nice” customers. The issues this creates for our core “Christmas” offering are not only dramatic for our own enterprise, but could have a systematic effect on the entire retail economy which has grown heavily dependent on our ongoing success. Thus, we are asking governments around the world to unite and help save this critically important foundation of the global economy. Ho, ho, ho!?!?

Critics were quick to point out that while Santa Claus may have a point, the bonuses that he collected in terms of cookies and milk over a recent 24-hour period make any such bailout difficult for beleaguered taxpayers to swallow – noting that (gallingly) he even looks a little fatter then normal for this time of year. However, left-leaning politicians appeared to be reluctantly galvanizing behind the new bailout proposal, so long as the “benefits also flowed to the little people doing most of the real work. Wait, can we call them little people? It sounds kind of offensive. Regardless, the bailout needs to help more people than just those wearing the fancy red suits with souped up sleighs.” This notion was particularly popular in the more developed economies, as politicians feared that without immediate action, Santa Claus might outsource his entire operation to the South Pole in coming years.

In a clear sign of the trying times, it is being reported that many companies have replaced the once ubiquitous “Christmas Bonus” check this holiday season with a “Christmas Not-Getting-Laid-Off” note. The most innovative of these companies presented the notes in new “Help those poor suckers who got fired carry their stuff to the car” Pot luck events, which replaced the more traditional “Christmas party”. On the upside, reports indicate that Henry Paulson is considering accepting these not-getting-laid-off notes as collateral for newly issued debt from the treasury. The hope is that this new round of spending stimulus can help clear up the situation before the economy drifts into what could be a very, very confusing April Fool’s day.

In an attempt to reverse the trend of ever-worsening economic news, United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has proposed an innovative new “trickle up” economic policy to help those that have been most affected. As Paulson explained from his office yesterday:

“For several decades we’ve been running with a ‘trickle down’ economic policy, where-by the rich have been burdened by having to let some of their rapidly growing wealth get shared with all the rest of you damn people. However, in the current economic climate, the one thing that is clear is that the richer you are, the harder you’ve been hit. In turn, it’s time for everyone to step-up and reverse this trend by participating in my new ‘trickle up’ economic plan.”

Paulson went on to explain that the process is simple – whatever your station in life, what you should do is take half your money and give it to someone richer than you. To quote the Treasury Secretary again:

“If you’ve been toiling away at minimum wage for decades, it’s time to take half your money and give it to that union guy who’s job you’ve always wanted. If you are that union guy, give half of your wealth to your managers. Your managers can then give half to their directors, who can give half to the VPs, and then so-forth through the SVPs, the CEO, and then eventually to me. By participating in this innovative new ‘trickle up’ plan, we can finally get Americans working together towards a fairer outcome, where the wealth ends up in the hands of the people that deserve it.”