chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:

Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.

Continued »

As seen on Fox News – no word yet on who the Army is lining up for him.

Up to 5/6ths of the much beleaguered AIG Executive Group  have been given new hope in regards to their bonus claims, thanks to Brazilian President Lula Da Silva’s recent claim that “This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who before the crisis appeared to know everything and now demonstrate that they know nothing.” As an AIG spokesperson for the newly formed “Green and Brown-Eyed Alliance of Right Minded AIG Executives” recently told us: Continued »

You can see the original picture here. If you’ve got a better caption post it below, or your money back!

As Chrysler races to meet the U.S. government deadline for survival plans, chTONGUEeek’s Detroit-based automotive sector analyst has learned that their restructuring plan hinges primarily on a controversial proposal to become a bank. While some powerful people in Washington are arguing that this makes absolutely no sense whatsover, others are reportedly intrigued – noting that Chrysler’s direct exposure to the sub-prime mortgage crisis is far lower than more traditional financial institutions, and that the plan certainly passes the test of being audaciously hopeful. Moreover, the company has been shrewd in promising not to lend any more money to themselves, which helpfully avoids the Chrysler-specific default risk that every other financial institution in the country is facing.

Sometimes a story is too big to be expressed and summarized in the space we have here, sometimes the story is too irrelevant, other times, it’s simply slanderous, for those reasons, some stories are left on the cutting room floor. Below is a list of some of stories from the past weeks and months that didn’t get a chance to see the light of day (or get written at all):

• Republican pundits describe Obama’s first full day in office as “24 hours long”
• Santa Clause denies little boy’s christmas wish for world peace
• Australian Government uses technology to demonstrate their complete lack of understanding of it
• New box office numbers confirm that people have too much money
• Religious fundamentalists strongly approve of Obama’s “No Pork” agenda
• Fervent Naomi Klein supporters furious to learn they have made her fabulously wealthy
• Atheist comedian insists brevity is the mind of wit
• Humanity’s faith in itself further eroded by fall primetime lineup
• Illiteracy prevents Sarah Palin from recognizing extent of ridicule
• “I don’t like the way you claim I criticize you,” unrepentant friend asserts

If you think there’s been an error and some of the above should have been adequately covered by chTONGUEeek, let us know in a comment!

In a stunning example of journalistic insight that has reaffirmed some people’s belief in the future of journalism amidst all the recent carnage, The Toronto Star has revealed that Obama’s first tour abroad as President will “focus on work.” As someone of some political clout that you don’t know recently explained:

Based on the last eight years, we thought we had this whole “Presidential visit to Canada” thing all figured out – try to fit a game of shinny on the canal in between two naps, and then snap some amusing pictures of the various leaders wearing Beaver Pelt hats. So you can imagine our surprise when the Star’s Ottawa Bureau Chief did what must have been an extraordinary amount of digging to learn that the President’s meeting was in fact going to be focused on work. You read that correctly – WORK of all things!

Continued »

As Barack Obama prepares to deliver his weekly address to the nation via YouTube, chTONGUEeek has learned that his new media consultants are encouraging  a potentially controversial new tactic in order to increase and unify his audience – pantless dancing. As our political correspondent explains:

It was widely reported last week that Barack Obama captivated a record audience of viewers with his message of choosing hope over fear, and unity of purpose over conflict and discord. However, the challenges he faces trying to connect through YouTube are real, they are serious, and they are many. Not only is he staring down an immediate threat from Evolution of Dance 2 – which has been viewed only 120,000 less times – but the “No Pants Subway Ride 2009” is absolutely dominating his inauguration address. In turn, Obama’s new media consultants are saying there is only one option to ensure his message of unity really comes through – Barack is clearly going to have to do some ‘pantless dancing updates’ to pull this nation together.

Continued »

CNN took this down pretty quickly: perhaps something to do with Obama, juggling balls and what not.

How to spot a Canadian – it’s true, eh… that reminds me. Time to grab a double-double.

Man, we sure have to pay more attention to famous pictures – tend to miss things sometimes it seems!

Nothing can go wrong when drunk people rap at McDonalds, can it?

I… love… rubbing birds.

“That one chick” has some excellent advice on how to keep a job. Nothing about wheels of cheese though.

Perhaps they should have at least chosen a different type of soup.

This kid’s mom can really work a shovel.

According to Fox News, Barack and Michelle Obama have a secret to the success of their marriage (above and beyond juggling balls):

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neCIg0BiXbE]

Not exactly new, but doing a good job of withstanding the test of time, SMBC’s The Great Circle of Life.

University of Florida falls victim to a man abusing their emergency sms system.