Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »
As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:
As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.
As reporters gush over the winner that the “patient” Atlanta Hawks have created for themselves, jubilant GM Rick Sund told chTONGUEeek today that “he’s got to give credit where credit is due – I’d like to take this opportunity to thank God for the decade of incompetence that allowed us to create the modestly successful team that we have today.” As he went on to explain:
If you look at the success of the Atlanta Hawks today – including almost making it out of the first round last season, and the possibility this season of defeating a team of Dwayne Wade, two corpses, and several rookies who might be hung over – there are two distinct moves that clearly put us over the top, er, into the middle. One was acquiring Mike Bibby to man the PG position, and the other was drafting Al Horford to be our stud of front. Any way you slice it, there is no way this dynamic combination could have happened without a full decade of total managerial incompetence. Not only that, but how we got both players, and why we needed them, is highly correlated, which really shows the complexity of what it takes to create a team destined for mediocre success.
Let me explain. There’s simply no way you get a young Buck, er, Hawk like Al Horford (11 ppg, 9 rpg) without a top-3 pick in the 2007 draft. Securing that position required a two- year incompetence plan – drafting Shelden Williams (4 ppg, 3 rpg) ahead of Brandon Roy (22 ppg, 5 rpg, 5 apg) in 2006, and Marvin Williams (14 ppg, 6 rpg) ahead of Chris Paul (23 ppg, 11 apg) and Deron Williams (19 ppg, 11 apg) in 2005. Switch either of those picks, and not only are we not in the position to land Horford, but we have no spot for Mike Bibby to fill – Roy, Paul, or D. Williams would just be in the way. Boy did we ever dodge one, or I suppose three, there.
chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:
Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.
DETROIT, MI – General Motors intends to create a new auto division as part of its plan to avoid Chapter 11 bankruptcy, according to sources inside the company. The division will focus on the production of wind hybrids – a new, yet unproven technology that combines wind power, battery operated electrical motors and conventional gasoline engines. Executives believe the move will satisfy consumer demand for environmentally friendly cars and fulfill government requirements for continued public funding.
You can read the rest of the story at The Daily Redundancy. An artists depiction of what they might be planning can be seen on the right.
By extrapolating the results of survey of their own employees out to the broader market, GM has learned – “in a very cost effective manner” – that their innovative offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” is “remarkably appealing” to 100% of people in the world. As a GM spokesperson recently explained:
In what we consider definitive proof that our company is serious about reigning in our ridiculous cost structure, our market research department is saving millions of dollars a year by restricting our surveys to our own employees, and extrapolating the results outwards to determine what it is the world wants. Through this innovative, cost-saving process, we have learned that fully 100% of the world find our offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” remarkably appealing. Not only that, but everyone single one of them said they would definitely take us up on it, because they are absolutely certain their employer is going bankrupt, which proves just how powerful this new plan will be for saving our company from bankruptcy.
When pressed on how GM planned to finance this, the spokesperson indicated they are working closely with the “financial braintrust” at AIG to sort out the details, before heading out for her mandatory 7-week paid vacation.
In what some conservationalists are calling a “well-intentioned, though ultimately regrettable” interpretation of the recent news that using soft toilet paper is worse for the environment than driving a Hummer, a local self described “Eco-warrior” has found himself in critical condition after trying to wipe his ass on a Hummer that “was not quite as parked as he initially thought.” In related news, his health care costs are reportedly going to be picked up by the local UAW union, which announced that “while we do not condone this particular use of our vehicles in anyway, we want to be supportive of the fact that he chose to wipe American.“
In a move that goes one step beyond Microsoft’s efforts to force laid-off workers to repay “erroneous severance overpayments“, GM is now asking workers to pay back over 30 years worth of “erroneous wages” – which is a rough estimate of how long the company has been “functionally insolvent, if you exclude various government subsidy packages provided along the way.” The auto workers union has been slow to respond to this request thus far, noting that “we can’t be expected to reach the 82% of our members who are currently retired somewhere in the tropics overnight.”
Breaking news: chTONGUEeek has just learned that American automakers are now threatening to give taxpayers a stake in their beleagured operations, if they are unable to secure yet another round of government bailout dollars. Off the record, industry analysts are speculating that if this tactic fails, the automakers, their respective unions, and sympathetic government officials are ready to go to the “defcom level 1″ threat: forcing citizens to actually buy their shitty cars. We will keep you apprised of the situation as it devolves.
The United States are now on the hook for over $65,500,000,000,000 in obligations and liabilities, making it over $10 trillion more than the earth’s 2007 estimated gross domestic product, in a situation that Economist John Williams summarized succinctly: “Essentially, we’re f***ed.” Williams continued, “pretty much the only person who has cause to be happy anymore is Ron Paul, and only because he’s been vindicated for predicting our national collapse, that crazy old loon!” Continued »
