As new reports continue to indicate that more and more students are failing to learn the standard math curriculum, Education Minister Ikno Wmymath has set an ambitious goal: to have 100% of students achieve above-average scores in 2010. As Ikno recently explained:

I believe – and you can quote me on this – that the purpose of schools is to educate our children. We have not always succeeded on this front, at least as good as we could. Hey, I’m a poet and don’t know it! Though I suppose that by saying it, I indicate that I know it, so if you transcribe this please make sure to note I’m a poet that knows it. Wait – where was I? Oh right. Educating the kids – can you pass me some lids? Shazaam! Um, I mean one of the most obvious failures of our system has been the continual decline in math scores over the last, I think it’s fair to say, 12,000 years. We plan to change that in the next few months, and change it dramatically. It may sound ambitious, but I know that we can do it – my goal is to have every student in our district achieve a math score above the district average. I will not rest until this objective is achieved, or until afternoon nap time, whichever comes first.

When asked if he had any thoughts about how the median plays into this, Wmymath indicated that students should stay off of highways all together, particularly in this weather, before wrapping up the press conference.

In an attempt to accurately reflect the current economic reality, SFU is officially re-branding their annual ‘spend a day in the streets’ day to ‘experience post-graduation life’ day. In a further effort to connect the educational experience with working life expectations, a proposal has also been made to develop an elective “dumpster diving” course as part of the “no food, no shelter, no income” educational stream, which currently goes under the name “Bachelor of Arts degree.”

A top “think tank” in Ontario has recently found that a shocking 112% of Ontario residents agree the province needs a beter brain trust in order to succeed in the new worldly economy. As a “spokeperson” for the study explained to us yesterday:

Our exclusive study confirms that an incredible 112% of Ontarians – which is almost a majority – agree that the province needs a beter brain trust in order to compete in the worldly economy we’re faced with today. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise, because if you think about it, if you can’t trust your brain who can you trust? Not sure of the answer? Well that’s because you thought about it with your brain, which you clearly don’t trust enough. Any chance you’ll immigrate?

When asked about whether he understood the definition of irony, this same spokesperson declared “Of course! It’s what you do after you launder!”, before leaving to apply for a new job with the province to help with this brain trust issue. Our reporter has since learned he was deemed by the province to be an attractive, but slightly overqualified, candidate.