The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:

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Up to 5/6ths of the much beleaguered AIG Executive Group  have been given new hope in regards to their bonus claims, thanks to Brazilian President Lula Da Silva’s recent claim that “This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who before the crisis appeared to know everything and now demonstrate that they know nothing.” As an AIG spokesperson for the newly formed “Green and Brown-Eyed Alliance of Right Minded AIG Executives” recently told us: Continued »

As seen on Google News today. Reports indicate that the United States is likely to be the highest bidder, based on the cash they are expecting to collect after they sell themselves to China.

A top “think tank” in Ontario has recently found that a shocking 112% of Ontario residents agree the province needs a beter brain trust in order to succeed in the new worldly economy. As a “spokeperson” for the study explained to us yesterday:

Our exclusive study confirms that an incredible 112% of Ontarians – which is almost a majority – agree that the province needs a beter brain trust in order to compete in the worldly economy we’re faced with today. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise, because if you think about it, if you can’t trust your brain who can you trust? Not sure of the answer? Well that’s because you thought about it with your brain, which you clearly don’t trust enough. Any chance you’ll immigrate?

When asked about whether he understood the definition of irony, this same spokesperson declared “Of course! It’s what you do after you launder!”, before leaving to apply for a new job with the province to help with this brain trust issue. Our reporter has since learned he was deemed by the province to be an attractive, but slightly overqualified, candidate.

In what a collection of fools some see has a rare glimmer of good news within our current economic tsunami, the Governor of the Bank of Canada has reassured worried Canadians that, despite the recession, prices for goods and services will continue to go up. As a guy standing beside a girl that knows a spokesperson for the Bank of Canada told us yesterday:

Everybody knows that economic conditions are bad right now – jobs are being lost, housing prices are plummeting, wages are falling, and the stock market is imploding. But while Canadians join the rest of the world in struggling with all of these issues, they can rest assured that the Bank of Canada is actively fighting the threat of “dangerous deflation gripping the Canadian economy.” Deflation, of course, is the persistant decrease in the general price level of goods and services, and the Governor repeated SEVERAL times that they take this threat of cheaper stuff very, very seriously. So Canadians should breathe easy knowing that no matter how poor they become, the Bank of Canada will, thanks to a strong banking system and the help of some powerful corporations, make sure that everything they might want to buy will be that much more expensive.

While the sight of American citizens celebrating their audacity to hope brought joy to many across the globe, our economics correspondent has learned of another reason why 20/1/2009 will go down as a historic day - the record number of viewers for the inauguration finally tipped America into a full-blown economic depression. As he explained from the bunker he was digging himself last night:

Well, pretty much everybody knows that the economy has been hanging by a thread – and any chance we had of turning this thing around required a whole bunch of people making a whack load of crap, and a whole bunch of other people buying it. Unfortunately, sometime around noon not only did the productivity of the nation drop below zero – which is remarkable in it’s own right, because it’s hard to produce less than nothing – but nobody was buying a damn thing. Turns out that roughly 1/2 hour of productivity and sales was that final thread, and, well, we’re now officially in a Depression. It’s sure going to be hard to be mellow and get ahead, man.

When pressed for some good news, said correspondent shrugged his shoulders a bit and said “Um, an audaciously hopeful Depression?”, before hermetically sealing himself off from the conversation.

While it has been widely reported that George Bush Jr. has made no apologies for his performance as he prepares for the upcoming transfer of power, our political correspondent has found out differently. What follows is an exclusive transcript from a private conversation Mr. Bush Jr had with President-Elect Obama just last night.

Obama, in these times of troubulation, I didn’t feel it would help the mood of the nation to apologenate publicly. However, I do have some major regretabilities. For example, just a few weeks ago my daughter and I spilled a whole mess of rib sauce all over the couch in my… well, really your entertainment room. I’ve tried everything – a special vinegar/ water mixture, several gels and spritzers, every detergent known to humanation, and hours upon hours of hard rubbing – insert your own Clinton joke here (jab-jab). Alas, I just can’t quite get the last remnants of the mess cleaned up. I sincerely apologize for this stain upon the great couch that is within your sitting domain. And, um, Iraq could be better.

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Reports from the North Pole indicate that, after a ‘surprisingly challenging’ Christmas season, Santa Claus in joining the long list of suitors for the global bailout money that is sloshing around the world. As a not-so-jolly Saint Nick explained last night:

Due to detailed knowledge of the “naughty or nice” behavior of our target demographic, we thought that our core business would be immune to the global economic slowdown and liquidity crisis – particularly as we prudently made the “nice” threshold more difficult to achieve for fiscal year end. However, in an attempted cost control measure we locked into a series of coal-related derivative contracts in early 2008 that extend through 2012. With coal prices having dropped so dramatically over the last year, we are now on the hook for a multi-trillion dollar unfunded liability. In turn, not only are we are unable to deliver the necessary coal to our “naughty” customers at a reasonable rate, but the liability was guaranteed by our “nice consumer” financing division, which now can’t access the necessary credit in order to meet the wishes of our ever-dwindling number of “nice” customers. The issues this creates for our core “Christmas” offering are not only dramatic for our own enterprise, but could have a systematic effect on the entire retail economy which has grown heavily dependent on our ongoing success. Thus, we are asking governments around the world to unite and help save this critically important foundation of the global economy. Ho, ho, ho!?!?

Critics were quick to point out that while Santa Claus may have a point, the bonuses that he collected in terms of cookies and milk over a recent 24-hour period make any such bailout difficult for beleaguered taxpayers to swallow – noting that (gallingly) he even looks a little fatter then normal for this time of year. However, left-leaning politicians appeared to be reluctantly galvanizing behind the new bailout proposal, so long as the “benefits also flowed to the little people doing most of the real work. Wait, can we call them little people? It sounds kind of offensive. Regardless, the bailout needs to help more people than just those wearing the fancy red suits with souped up sleighs.” This notion was particularly popular in the more developed economies, as politicians feared that without immediate action, Santa Claus might outsource his entire operation to the South Pole in coming years.

With inflation fears subsiding throughout the developed world, we are now all facing the terrorizing prospect of deflation. Most worryingly, this potential decline in consumer, housing, and stock prices threatens to alleviate poverty and homelessness in developed economies everywhere. As noted Italian economist Toidi Gib explains:

Thanks to the two-step inflationary process we’ve been through over the last few decades – first a rapid appreciation in stock and housing prices, then a rapid increase in consumer prices – we have been able to maintain a steady increase in poverty and homelessness throughout the Western world. You see, most of these poor people rent (except for the homeless, of course, whom squat) and don’t have stock portfolios, so they enjoyed none of the initial benefits, but were suitably crushed by the rapid increase in the prices of things like “food” and “gas”. Since they could afford less and less of it, the rest of people have more and more to share amongst themselves, leading to all kinds of wonderful increases in standards of living. Deflation, unfortunately, threatens to ruin this exceedingly beneficial trend, which is why it must be prevented at all costs.

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In an attempt to reverse the trend of ever-worsening economic news, United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has proposed an innovative new “trickle up” economic policy to help those that have been most affected. As Paulson explained from his office yesterday:

“For several decades we’ve been running with a ‘trickle down’ economic policy, where-by the rich have been burdened by having to let some of their rapidly growing wealth get shared with all the rest of you damn people. However, in the current economic climate, the one thing that is clear is that the richer you are, the harder you’ve been hit. In turn, it’s time for everyone to step-up and reverse this trend by participating in my new ‘trickle up’ economic plan.”

Paulson went on to explain that the process is simple – whatever your station in life, what you should do is take half your money and give it to someone richer than you. To quote the Treasury Secretary again:

“If you’ve been toiling away at minimum wage for decades, it’s time to take half your money and give it to that union guy who’s job you’ve always wanted. If you are that union guy, give half of your wealth to your managers. Your managers can then give half to their directors, who can give half to the VPs, and then so-forth through the SVPs, the CEO, and then eventually to me. By participating in this innovative new ‘trickle up’ plan, we can finally get Americans working together towards a fairer outcome, where the wealth ends up in the hands of the people that deserve it.”