On the heels PetroChina’s $1.9 Billion bid for a stake in Calgary-based Athabasca Oil Sands Corp., reports indicate that China has submitted a “slightly more ambitious” offer of $7.2 Trillion for “everything in Canada, except Ontario.” While some commentators have indicated that such a deal would create “serious questions” about the sovereignty of the nation going forward, they also note that most Canadians have “disliked Ontario for quite some time, and would have to seriously consider the benefits of severing their ties with their obnoxious neighbours in exchange for the patient, less annoying at dinner parties, long-term partner that China could become.” Reports also indicate that the United States is considering an even higher counter offer in order to maintain acquire control of their northern neighbor, while reducing the exclusion from “except Ontario” to “except Toronto” in order to gain further support from a nation “tired of those latte sipping snobs.” However, this offer is on hold until America figures out whether they can secure financing for the offer from private investors led by China Inc., China Corp, and China Capital Corp. Inc.

With Canada’s “catch and release” policy for dealing with Somali Pirates under increasing fire for being ineffective, reports indicate that the peace loving nation is looking to move towards putting captured pirates on “two-minute time outs”, based on a discipline strategy that has been successfully deployed at day cares throughout the nation. Other options under consideration currently include “demanding a heartfelt apology”, “delivering a stern, hand written letter pointing out why piracy is bad, bad, bad”, “forcing captured pirates to wear a dunce cap”, and “free tickets to Celine Dion concerts”.

As seen on Google News today. Reports indicate that the United States is likely to be the highest bidder, based on the cash they are expecting to collect after they sell themselves to China.

In a stunning example of journalistic insight that has reaffirmed some people’s belief in the future of journalism amidst all the recent carnage, The Toronto Star has revealed that Obama’s first tour abroad as President will “focus on work.” As someone of some political clout that you don’t know recently explained:

Based on the last eight years, we thought we had this whole “Presidential visit to Canada” thing all figured out – try to fit a game of shinny on the canal in between two naps, and then snap some amusing pictures of the various leaders wearing Beaver Pelt hats. So you can imagine our surprise when the Star’s Ottawa Bureau Chief did what must have been an extraordinary amount of digging to learn that the President’s meeting was in fact going to be focused on work. You read that correctly – WORK of all things!

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In what a collection of fools some see has a rare glimmer of good news within our current economic tsunami, the Governor of the Bank of Canada has reassured worried Canadians that, despite the recession, prices for goods and services will continue to go up. As a guy standing beside a girl that knows a spokesperson for the Bank of Canada told us yesterday:

Everybody knows that economic conditions are bad right now – jobs are being lost, housing prices are plummeting, wages are falling, and the stock market is imploding. But while Canadians join the rest of the world in struggling with all of these issues, they can rest assured that the Bank of Canada is actively fighting the threat of “dangerous deflation gripping the Canadian economy.” Deflation, of course, is the persistant decrease in the general price level of goods and services, and the Governor repeated SEVERAL times that they take this threat of cheaper stuff very, very seriously. So Canadians should breathe easy knowing that no matter how poor they become, the Bank of Canada will, thanks to a strong banking system and the help of some powerful corporations, make sure that everything they might want to buy will be that much more expensive.

Our secret correspondent has learned that embattled Prime Minister Steven Harper’s request for a “timeout” was accepted by the Governor General because of his provocative “fingers crossed behind my back” argument. As Harper explained to her while wearing his favorite blue sweater, “in regards to this whole confidence thing, the video will clearly show that everything I did and didn’t say about things like the ‘economy’ happened while my hand was placed firmly behind my back. I can assure you that, at the time, my fingers were indeed crossed. Furthermore, at no time did I say ‘black ball beats them all, stampsies no erasies’, thus there is no reason not to have confidence in what I really didn’t mean, and every reason to give us a ‘do over’.” According to our sources, this argument overcame Dion’s original “liar, liar, pants and fire” position, in addition to his last-ditch effort at a “we’re rubber and you’re glue” rebuttal.