Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »
chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:
Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.
By extrapolating the results of survey of their own employees out to the broader market, GM has learned – “in a very cost effective manner” – that their innovative offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” is “remarkably appealing” to 100% of people in the world. As a GM spokesperson recently explained:
In what we consider definitive proof that our company is serious about reigning in our ridiculous cost structure, our market research department is saving millions of dollars a year by restricting our surveys to our own employees, and extrapolating the results outwards to determine what it is the world wants. Through this innovative, cost-saving process, we have learned that fully 100% of the world find our offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” remarkably appealing. Not only that, but everyone single one of them said they would definitely take us up on it, because they are absolutely certain their employer is going bankrupt, which proves just how powerful this new plan will be for saving our company from bankruptcy.
When pressed on how GM planned to finance this, the spokesperson indicated they are working closely with the “financial braintrust” at AIG to sort out the details, before heading out for her mandatory 7-week paid vacation.
(Editor’s Note: originally posted November 2008). When Atlanta native Jim Herman went to deposit his $227 pay check on Friday, he thought his weekend would be just like any other – “Two buckets of chicken, a few cases of Bud, and a little something for whatever bill was most overdue.” Ten minutes later, and much to his surprise, Jim became the new owner of the 2nd largest bank in America.
“Yeah, I’m still not quite sure I understand what happened” a shaken, somewhat jubilant, and very hungry Jim reported yesterday. “I’d heard a bunch of stories on some sort of liquidity and capitalization problem in the ol’ banking system, but didn’t really think it affected me – I know at least 27 different state capitals, and really don’t want to drink anything at the bank anyway. Frankly, I just wanted my chicken, some beer, and some electricity to warm up that chicken and cool down that beer. But when I pulled out my check, all of the sudden everyone was going bat-shit crazy. Some portly dude came out and told me my $227 now represented all the money in the bank, and said I could have the damn thing if I wanted it. I’d always wanted to own my own business again – ever since the incident with the squirrel kind of knee capped the small engine repair thing – and I was a pretty good adder back in the day, so I figured why not? Let’s give this banking thing a shot.”
Up to 5/6ths of the much beleaguered AIG Executive Group have been given new hope in regards to their bonus claims, thanks to Brazilian President Lula Da Silva’s recent claim that “This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who before the crisis appeared to know everything and now demonstrate that they know nothing.” As an AIG spokesperson for the newly formed “Green and Brown-Eyed Alliance of Right Minded AIG Executives” recently told us: Continued »
Breaking news: chTONGUEeek has just learned that American automakers are now threatening to give taxpayers a stake in their beleagured operations, if they are unable to secure yet another round of government bailout dollars. Off the record, industry analysts are speculating that if this tactic fails, the automakers, their respective unions, and sympathetic government officials are ready to go to the “defcom level 1″ threat: forcing citizens to actually buy their shitty cars. We will keep you apprised of the situation as it devolves.
As Chrysler races to meet the U.S. government deadline for survival plans, chTONGUEeek’s Detroit-based automotive sector analyst has learned that their restructuring plan hinges primarily on a controversial proposal to become a bank. While some powerful people in Washington are arguing that this makes absolutely no sense whatsover, others are reportedly intrigued – noting that Chrysler’s direct exposure to the sub-prime mortgage crisis is far lower than more traditional financial institutions, and that the plan certainly passes the test of being audaciously hopeful. Moreover, the company has been shrewd in promising not to lend any more money to themselves, which helpfully avoids the Chrysler-specific default risk that every other financial institution in the country is facing.
The Daytime TV cartel has lashed out at President-elect Obama, requesting $15 billion of the over $700 billion dollar proposed economic stimulus package. FOX-affiliate TV producer Ronnie Mickle had this to say: “Actually, we’re in fine shape financially: for now. What Obama has done, scheduling his inauguration for the middle of the day today is unforgivable. He has singlehandedly destroyed what used to be the cheapest to buy and least competitive time-slots on television. After seeing him speak, new episodes of General Hospital, or reruns of Dr. Phil and Maury won’t ever have the same draw again. We saw this happen with the moon landing, which was, effectively the birth of the ‘prime-time’ era. If Obama’s going to do the same again, we’re going to need money just to stay in the game.”
When asked for question, an Obama representative was found to be in the middle of a 20 year coma, her identical, and potentially evil twin had only one comment: “Y’all don’t know me!”
Reports from the North Pole indicate that, after a ‘surprisingly challenging’ Christmas season, Santa Claus in joining the long list of suitors for the global bailout money that is sloshing around the world. As a not-so-jolly Saint Nick explained last night:
Due to detailed knowledge of the “naughty or nice” behavior of our target demographic, we thought that our core business would be immune to the global economic slowdown and liquidity crisis – particularly as we prudently made the “nice” threshold more difficult to achieve for fiscal year end. However, in an attempted cost control measure we locked into a series of coal-related derivative contracts in early 2008 that extend through 2012. With coal prices having dropped so dramatically over the last year, we are now on the hook for a multi-trillion dollar unfunded liability. In turn, not only are we are unable to deliver the necessary coal to our “naughty” customers at a reasonable rate, but the liability was guaranteed by our “nice consumer” financing division, which now can’t access the necessary credit in order to meet the wishes of our ever-dwindling number of “nice” customers. The issues this creates for our core “Christmas” offering are not only dramatic for our own enterprise, but could have a systematic effect on the entire retail economy which has grown heavily dependent on our ongoing success. Thus, we are asking governments around the world to unite and help save this critically important foundation of the global economy. Ho, ho, ho!?!?
Critics were quick to point out that while Santa Claus may have a point, the bonuses that he collected in terms of cookies and milk over a recent 24-hour period make any such bailout difficult for beleaguered taxpayers to swallow – noting that (gallingly) he even looks a little fatter then normal for this time of year. However, left-leaning politicians appeared to be reluctantly galvanizing behind the new bailout proposal, so long as the “benefits also flowed to the little people doing most of the real work. Wait, can we call them little people? It sounds kind of offensive. Regardless, the bailout needs to help more people than just those wearing the fancy red suits with souped up sleighs.” This notion was particularly popular in the more developed economies, as politicians feared that without immediate action, Santa Claus might outsource his entire operation to the South Pole in coming years.
Courtesy of The Beast, America’s Best Fiend (do you think it’s UAW approved?):
