After learning that Angelina Jolie has surpassed her as the world’s top celebrity, friends of Oprah Winfrey report that she has taken to wearing a vile of Stedman’s blood around in neck in an effort to regain the crown. Some people continue to doubt her dedication to the cause, noting that it remains unclear whether she intends to woo her relatives, or adopt a small nation worth of children – though some guessing that she’s just laying in wait to one-up Jolie’s Brad Pitt move by stealing Ellen Degeneres’ girlfriend.

… from her home in Los Angeles, Jolie said, “I’ve always wanted to be a Grandma to 14 kids instantly!”  Brad and I are always thrilled to bring more souls into our unendingly abundant circle of love.  When I saw Nadya’s yearning innocent eyes, I just knew she would be the perfect fertile addition to our family.”  The news of the adoption came as a welcome surprise to Angelina’s long time partner Brad Pitt.  “That’s Angelina! Always finding stray kittens, dozens of orphans, and psychotic mothers addicted to fertility drugs to bring home.”

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