(Editor’s Note: originally posted November 2008). When Atlanta native Jim Herman went to deposit his $227 pay check on Friday, he thought his weekend would be just like any other – “Two buckets of chicken, a few cases of Bud, and a little something for whatever bill was most overdue.” Ten minutes later, and much to his surprise, Jim became the new owner of the 2nd largest bank in America.

“Yeah, I’m still not quite sure I understand what happened” a shaken, somewhat jubilant, and very hungry Jim reported yesterday. “I’d heard a bunch of stories on some sort of liquidity and capitalization problem in the ol’ banking system, but didn’t really think it affected me – I know at least 27 different state capitals, and really don’t want to drink anything at the bank anyway. Frankly, I just wanted my chicken, some beer, and some electricity to warm up that chicken and cool down that beer. But when I pulled out my check, all of the sudden everyone was going bat-shit crazy. Some portly dude came out and told me my $227 now represented all the money in the bank, and said I could have the damn thing if I wanted it. I’d always wanted to own my own business again – ever since the incident with the squirrel kind of knee capped the small engine repair thing – and I was a pretty good adder back in the day, so I figured why not? Let’s give this banking thing a shot.”

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With Washington abuzz over George Bush’s declaration that he will write a book about the 12 toughest decisions he made while in the White House, chTONGUEeek correspondents were shocked to hear that George Bush can write have learned that no fewer than five of them involved what to have for lunch. As someone who is so inside, he is almost outside, recently explained:

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As Barack Obama prepares to deliver his weekly address to the nation via YouTube, chTONGUEeek has learned that his new media consultants are encouraging  a potentially controversial new tactic in order to increase and unify his audience – pantless dancing. As our political correspondent explains:

It was widely reported last week that Barack Obama captivated a record audience of viewers with his message of choosing hope over fear, and unity of purpose over conflict and discord. However, the challenges he faces trying to connect through YouTube are real, they are serious, and they are many. Not only is he staring down an immediate threat from Evolution of Dance 2 – which has been viewed only 120,000 less times – but the “No Pants Subway Ride 2009” is absolutely dominating his inauguration address. In turn, Obama’s new media consultants are saying there is only one option to ensure his message of unity really comes through – Barack is clearly going to have to do some ‘pantless dancing updates’ to pull this nation together.

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As declining stock prices continue to drive investors to stuff money in their mattresses and build bomb-shelters behind their soon-to-be-repossessed houses, the Fed has come up with a new initiative they hope will reverse the tide – a ban on “not buying stocks.” As the Fed Chairman recently explained:

“What markets need is a healthy balance of buyers and sellers – by which I of course mean more buyers than sellers. We can’t ban selling stocks, because that would go against everything a free market stands for. Instead, we’re going to ban not buying stocks, so sellers can more easily find a buyer.

In fact, the best thing you can do for yourself – and America – is to sell your own stocks back to yourself, preferably for a healthy profit that more accurately reflects their true worth. Not only with this ensure stock prices keep going up, but the healthy commissions on what you sell back to yourself for a profit will help recapitalize many financial institutions that are currently under a lot of stress. Buy undertaking these forced sell + buy back combinations, we will all be doing our part to support these important pillars of American capitalism.”

When asked about the apparent similarities to something called a “pyramid scheme”, the Chairman spoke at length about his admiration for the startling Egyptian achievement, before appointing his new regulatory Pharaoh-in-Chief.