By extrapolating the results of survey of their own employees out to the broader market, GM has learned – “in a very cost effective manner” – that their innovative offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” is “remarkably appealing” to 100% of people in the world. As a GM spokesperson recently explained:

In what we consider definitive proof that our company is serious about reigning in our ridiculous cost structure, our market research department is saving millions of dollars a year by restricting our surveys to our own employees, and extrapolating the results outwards to determine what it is the world wants. Through this innovative, cost-saving process, we have learned that fully 100% of the world find our offer to “make your payments for you if you lose your job” remarkably appealing. Not only that, but everyone single one of them said they would definitely take us up on it, because they are absolutely certain their employer is going bankrupt, which proves just how powerful this new plan will be for saving our company from bankruptcy.

When pressed on how GM planned to finance this, the spokesperson indicated they are working closely with the “financial braintrust” at AIG to sort out the details, before heading out for her mandatory 7-week paid vacation.

Up to 5/6ths of the much beleaguered AIG Executive Group  have been given new hope in regards to their bonus claims, thanks to Brazilian President Lula Da Silva’s recent claim that “This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who before the crisis appeared to know everything and now demonstrate that they know nothing.” As an AIG spokesperson for the newly formed “Green and Brown-Eyed Alliance of Right Minded AIG Executives” recently told us: Continued »