Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »
The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:
As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:
As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.
After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:
chTONGUEeek’s Degenerative Habit Research Group (DHRG) has learned that a self-diagnosed gambling addict who embezzled more than $7 million from her former employer to pay off gambling debts has received 3:1 odds from a local bookie on her new $10 million lawsuit against area casinos. As she recently explained to us while splitting Kings at a local Jiffy Lube parking lot:
There are really only two reasons I managed to accumulate such a massive gambling debt, neither of which involve any responsibility on my part of course. The first is that the Fallsview Casino used unfair tactics, such as “being open” and “offering gambling”, to lure me into the Casino. The second is that it turns out the odds were always stacked in favor of the house, which was not made clear anywhere except in the “game rules”, which I couldn’t read because I was using them as a coaster.
chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:
Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.
DETROIT, MI – General Motors intends to create a new auto division as part of its plan to avoid Chapter 11 bankruptcy, according to sources inside the company. The division will focus on the production of wind hybrids – a new, yet unproven technology that combines wind power, battery operated electrical motors and conventional gasoline engines. Executives believe the move will satisfy consumer demand for environmentally friendly cars and fulfill government requirements for continued public funding.
You can read the rest of the story at The Daily Redundancy. An artists depiction of what they might be planning can be seen on the right.
(Editor’s Note: originally posted November 2008). When Atlanta native Jim Herman went to deposit his $227 pay check on Friday, he thought his weekend would be just like any other – “Two buckets of chicken, a few cases of Bud, and a little something for whatever bill was most overdue.” Ten minutes later, and much to his surprise, Jim became the new owner of the 2nd largest bank in America.
“Yeah, I’m still not quite sure I understand what happened” a shaken, somewhat jubilant, and very hungry Jim reported yesterday. “I’d heard a bunch of stories on some sort of liquidity and capitalization problem in the ol’ banking system, but didn’t really think it affected me – I know at least 27 different state capitals, and really don’t want to drink anything at the bank anyway. Frankly, I just wanted my chicken, some beer, and some electricity to warm up that chicken and cool down that beer. But when I pulled out my check, all of the sudden everyone was going bat-shit crazy. Some portly dude came out and told me my $227 now represented all the money in the bank, and said I could have the damn thing if I wanted it. I’d always wanted to own my own business again – ever since the incident with the squirrel kind of knee capped the small engine repair thing – and I was a pretty good adder back in the day, so I figured why not? Let’s give this banking thing a shot.”
With the billions of dollars being thrown at banks continuing to flow into bankers pockets failing to provide the much needed economic stimulus, chTONGUEeek has learned that the Federal Reserve has an exciting new plan to create wealth by pegging the U.S. dollar to food stamp demand. As our secret source recently explained:
What our economy needs is for consumer demand to start growing again. If look out across the economy, there is one primary growth area that stands out above all the other carnage – food stamps. So why not let all Americans share in this boon by pegging the U.S. Dollar to food stamp demand? It’s ingenious – the more people that go to the food bank, the more valuable the money everyone has becomes, leading to a virtuous cycle where as more and more of us can no longer afford to eat, the richer and richer we all become. Can I get a ‘what what’?
When it was pointed at that this plan was several standard deviations beyond absurd, our source said something about “it all being relative“, before heading off to figure out if he could give more money to Citibank.
