August 10th, 2009
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The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:
As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:
As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.
After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:
chTONGUEeek reporters have learned that, in what some analysts are calling a “desperate last gasp effort to equitably solve all of GM’s issues”, Barack Obama has floated an innovative new proposal to give GM pensioners 100% ownership of GM. Unfortunately, the offer has not found a receptive audience, as a UAW spokesperson was quick to decree that it is “fundamentally flawed”, “totally unsustainable”, and a “blatant insult to all of our hard working members.” As a UAW representative explained to us this morning:
Thousands upon thousands of GM workers put their blood, sweat and tears into building this remarkable company throughout the last half century. As they retire into their golden years – i.e. those from 50 or so onwards – these people have earned the right to a comfortable retirement, based on all of the effort they put in. How the f$%k are they going to be able to do that by taking 100% ownership of GM? I mean, have you seen the business model? The losses that are being accrued? The shi#$y products? The terrible labor relations? All the liabilities that are piled on top of each other? The worker-to-retiree ratio? This offer is not only totally unrealistic, it is totally unsustainable! Why the hell should our retirees be saddled with a gong show like that? Would the “powers that be” ever contemplate putting their own retirement savings into an investment like this – I THINK NOT.
Great post over on BBSpot covering new “premium” accounts on Twitter. From the article:
Premium accounts will come in four tiers: Sparrow, Dove, Owl and Eagle.
The details of the accounts are as follows:
chTONGUEeek’s sources inside Silicon Valley indicate that upstart tinierurl.com is joining the legions of other start-ups struggling to find a business model, as they seek to usurp the dominant company in their market, which also doesn’t have a business model. As some guy sipping on a frappuccino at their head office / table at the local Starbucks told us yesterday:
Since last July we’ve been watching tinyurl.com, as they desperately search for a business model while being attacked by numerous companies offering URL shortening services with even less characters used. What we finally realized is that customers don’t actually want less characters for their URL links – what they want is a company that understands their desire for shorter URLs at an emotional level – which is what tinierurl.com is all about. Who in their right mind wouldn’t give up a couple of characters in their tweets, in exchange for being associated with a company that really understands what they want – tinier URLs in their tweets? I’m telling you, once we scale this sucker up we’ll probably try some sort of innovative new advertising-led model, and then the only thing that won’t be tinier around here is our bank accounts. Why are you giggling like that?
The interview then came to an abrupt halt when I asked him whether they had considered eventinierurl.com, and he declared a “defcon code red threat” before punching me in the face.
“It was widely assumed that Twitter was being used exclusively by self-centered navel-gazers with an unrepentant desire to share their every thought and action with whoever would listen,” said MIT Professor Ron Sharkowski, who led a six-week study of the “micro-blogging” service that allows members to communicate in 140-character tweets. “But in at least one instance that seems not to be the case.”
From the excellent CAP News site – you can read the entire story here.
Reports coming out from U.K. scientists today indicate that other than a little problem with “fueling tumor growth“, a new cancer drug in trial stages called Cilengitide is “pretty darned good.” Pharma analysts went onto add that “while cancer patients may initially be troubled by the fact that the actual tumor gets bigger and more deadly and what not, we think that many of them will look past it thanks to the attractive cherry flavor option, and a price point that is far, far lower than competing cancer drugs – which are handicapped by their desire to actually cure things – is certainly an advantage in these recessionary times.”
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Strikes a little close to home, but hilarious. Favorite part:
“Okay, but I don’t care what other people are doing every second of the day”
“Look, no, neither do I! But we do want other people knowing what we’re doing, right?”
