September 21st, 2009
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH9K74IFX80]
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH9K74IFX80]
Reports from anonymous sources inside the NBA league office indicate that commissioner David Stern is lobbying hard to push through a “Lebron James for J.J. Reddick and a first round pick” trade before the NBA finals tip-off this Thursday. While acknowledging that there is no precedent for such a seemingly unfair move in the days right before the finals, the Commissioner has presented a compelling case to the other owners in the league – including that recouping the $48 Million already invested in “The NBA: where Lebron vs. Kobe happens” paraphernalia would help with revenue sharing, and that the inequity issue is overblown due to the relative talent exchange being roughly equal to what the Lakers gave up to acquire Pau Gasol’s services last year.
After dismissing of the extremely undermanned Houston Rockets in seven games, the LA Lakers reported yesterday to be “proud of the overcoming the lack of adversity” their team has faced this post season. As a high-level Lakers correspondent explained yesterday:
Lots of teams have struggled to overcome adverse situations throughout the regular season and playoffs, and in the process melded together a stronger, more cohesive unit – which can make them extremely dangerous. For example, we had to play the Rockets last round, and they not only lost one all-star in the regular season, but also their all-star center during the playoffs – and his back up to boot! Towards the end I think they were starting a 5′7 maintenance worker in the front court – and it’s working through such difficult situations that really brings a team together, which is what made them such a formidable opponent.
After making if out of the playoffs for the first time in twelve years while their “best” player sat on the bench, and then beating the Lakers after their “second best” player joined him, the Houston Rockets are now considering whether to execute a player after each playoff game in order to “maintain the momentum heading into the finals.” When team officials were asked why they were considering execution instead of something less drastic like a “serious injury“, or perhaps even just a rotating series of “DNP- we’re a superstitious bunch“ decisions, they mumbled something about it being “Ron Artest’s idea, and I’m sure as hell not going to tell Ron he’s wrong“, before wandering off in search of a blindfold.
As Manny Ramirez joins the list of confirmed MLB superstars who have dabbled in illegal substances to enhance their performance, a rogue group of Detroit Tigers fans have joined forces to sue the team for not taking enough steroids in 2003. As spokesperson Tex Murphy explains:
2003 was an amazingly difficult year for the legions of Tigers fans who watched their team barely avoid the ignominy of compiling the worst record in MLB history. As it’s now become obvious that not only a startling number of MLB players were taking steriods and other performance enhancers that year, but that there’s a better chance that Madonna is still actually a virgin than everyone involved in the sport didn’t know about it at the time, the only conclusion that we can draw is that these Detroit Tigers were negligent in not having had their players take enough steroids that season. Are you telling me they couldn’t have slipped a little juice into Maroth’s breakfast sometime before he hit the magical 20-loss barrier? Were they waiting for Inge to drop below the .200 barrier before sticking a needle in his ass?
After pulling out a dramatic game-7 victory in the greatest first round series in NBA history, the defending champion Boston Celtics have decided to celebrate in a truly extraordinary way – by letting Brian Scalabrine sit with the rest of the team on flights and buses for the rest of the playoffs. When asked to comment on this “incredible show of team unity”, Brian mumbled something almost inaudible about “being more excited if all these jock straps didn’t make it so hard to breathe” from the locker he’d been stuffed in.
As reporters gush over the winner that the “patient” Atlanta Hawks have created for themselves, jubilant GM Rick Sund told chTONGUEeek today that “he’s got to give credit where credit is due – I’d like to take this opportunity to thank God for the decade of incompetence that allowed us to create the modestly successful team that we have today.” As he went on to explain:
If you look at the success of the Atlanta Hawks today – including almost making it out of the first round last season, and the possibility this season of defeating a team of Dwayne Wade, two corpses, and several rookies who might be hung over – there are two distinct moves that clearly put us over the top, er, into the middle. One was acquiring Mike Bibby to man the PG position, and the other was drafting Al Horford to be our stud of front. Any way you slice it, there is no way this dynamic combination could have happened without a full decade of total managerial incompetence. Not only that, but how we got both players, and why we needed them, is highly correlated, which really shows the complexity of what it takes to create a team destined for mediocre success.
Let me explain. There’s simply no way you get a young Buck, er, Hawk like Al Horford (11 ppg, 9 rpg) without a top-3 pick in the 2007 draft. Securing that position required a two- year incompetence plan – drafting Shelden Williams (4 ppg, 3 rpg) ahead of Brandon Roy (22 ppg, 5 rpg, 5 apg) in 2006, and Marvin Williams (14 ppg, 6 rpg) ahead of Chris Paul (23 ppg, 11 apg) and Deron Williams (19 ppg, 11 apg) in 2005. Switch either of those picks, and not only are we not in the position to land Horford, but we have no spot for Mike Bibby to fill – Roy, Paul, or D. Williams would just be in the way. Boy did we ever dodge one, or I suppose three, there.
For background on this “At least we’re better than those guys” series between the Leafs and Raptors, including the Raptors first ad, and information on how to submit your own, see here.
