As the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) prepares to raise prices yet again, Moody’s has announced that they are initiating coverage of the underlying tokens by applying a Aaa “investment grade” rating – making them the highest quality, lowest risk assets available on the market. As a spokesperson recently explained:

The TTC, without fail, has managed to implement significant price increases every few years, and has done so without having to shoulder the costs for things like “improved service.” This alone makes the underlying tokens an attractive investment, as investors can receive equity-like price appreciation on a liquid asset, while only taking on government-debt levels of risk. And given that the owners of the TTC – otherwise known as the City of Toronto – have repeatedly proven that they can’t balance a budget, investors can be sure that similar price increases will continue well into the future. In turn, we are recommending that all investors take advantage of this attractive and emerging asset class, assuming they have any money left after paying to ride the subway.

When asked about the underlying risks, the spokesperson started mumbling something about “well, I suppose the TTC might start becoming more efficient some day and offer better value for money to transit riders”, before the overwhelming streams of laughter from the crowd forced security to bring the meeting to a halt.

While the debate continues to swirl around whether a 13-year old girl should be allowed to sail solo around the world, recent reports indicate her hopes for becoming the youngest ever to do so are all but shattered – thanks to a Norwegian couple recently launching a fetus into the ocean on a similar journey. While some critics complain that a fetus is “too immature” to handle the demands of such and around-the-earth excursion, supporters indicate that this is no ordinary fetus – having showed great maturity in handling a growth rate twice the normal average, even while confined to a tiny relatively beaker. Moreover, the parent’s carefully chosen call for support – “prevent the abortion of our fetus’ journey” – has become a rallying call for pro-life advocates eager to take up any fight against the words “abortion” and “fetus” in the same sentence.

Remarkably, even if the fetus does manage to complete it’s journey the world-record may be short-lived – first by a test-tube of specimen launched by a German sperm bank three weeks ago, and then by a “broken condom from a one night stand” a New Jersey man launched this morning.

On the heels PetroChina’s $1.9 Billion bid for a stake in Calgary-based Athabasca Oil Sands Corp., reports indicate that China has submitted a “slightly more ambitious” offer of $7.2 Trillion for “everything in Canada, except Ontario.” While some commentators have indicated that such a deal would create “serious questions” about the sovereignty of the nation going forward, they also note that most Canadians have “disliked Ontario for quite some time, and would have to seriously consider the benefits of severing their ties with their obnoxious neighbours in exchange for the patient, less annoying at dinner parties, long-term partner that China could become.” Reports also indicate that the United States is considering an even higher counter offer in order to maintain acquire control of their northern neighbor, while reducing the exclusion from “except Ontario” to “except Toronto” in order to gain further support from a nation “tired of those latte sipping snobs.” However, this offer is on hold until America figures out whether they can secure financing for the offer from private investors led by China Inc., China Corp, and China Capital Corp. Inc.

Report: Peewee Herman has moved in next door. http://mns.isgreat.org/

I don’t know… I was looking for a more strategic bacon. http://ow.ly/lBrA

Report: Premier worried about inferiority complex sweeping the province. http://ow.ly/lBnB

Report: Brazil preparing for American invasion. http://ow.ly/lBkY

Report: This British man clearly needs a date. http://ow.ly/lBjO

Southern Alabama cops are apparently being hired as Google engineers… http://twitpic.com/f9oh5

Perhaps they should replace “memorable” with “arresting”… http://imgur.com/DdRg2.jpg

So… did mailing this letter kill a child then? http://imgur.com/58nFP.png

A new challenger for worst ad placement ever… http://ow.ly/ljo9

Tech support simplified… http://ow.ly/l5Sr

Fireman might be taking this “green movement” a little too far… http://imgur.com/6JNZ.jpg

In an attempt to deal with the dual issue of parents being stuck at home due to city daycare workers being on strike, and trash piling up around the city due to garbagemen being on strike, the City of Toronto has announced an innovative new ‘take your kids to pick up garbage day’ for this coming Monday. However, David Miller did remind Toronto citizens looking to capitalize on this opportunity that there really wasn’t anywhere for them to take the garbage they might pick up, thus his team would be following the kids and parents around to give them $10,000 fines if the garbage is placed anywhere other than their garages. When told that most people don’t have garages in this city, and many don’t even have yards, he noted the alternative option of parents just taking some of their 18 sick days, and whatever else they’ve banked over the years, to stay home for the duration of the strike. When reminded that the only people living on Toronto that have that option are those currently on strike, he reminded us “that’s why we created take your kid to pick up garbage’ day”, before fining a reporter $380 when a wrapper fell out of his pocket.

The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:

Continued »

As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:

As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.

Continued »

After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:

Continued »

As the Netherlands faces the prospect of closing eight prisons at the cost of 1,200 jobs due to an appalling “lack of criminals“, Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak is calling on all Dutch citizens to protect this “integral part of the economy during this period of unprecedented economic turmoil” by committing more crimes. Continued »

With Canada’s “catch and release” policy for dealing with Somali Pirates under increasing fire for being ineffective, reports indicate that the peace loving nation is looking to move towards putting captured pirates on “two-minute time outs”, based on a discipline strategy that has been successfully deployed at day cares throughout the nation. Other options under consideration currently include “demanding a heartfelt apology”, “delivering a stern, hand written letter pointing out why piracy is bad, bad, bad”, “forcing captured pirates to wear a dunce cap”, and “free tickets to Celine Dion concerts”.