Remarkably, even if the fetus does manage to complete it’s journey the world-record may be short-lived – first by a test-tube of specimen launched by a German sperm bank three weeks ago, and then by a “broken condom from a one night stand” a New Jersey man launched this morning.

While one might think that the “closure” of eight prisons due to a “lack” of “criminals” is proof positive that our justice system is working, there are more important things to rehabilitate right now than said “criminals”. Like my “pension plan”, for example. Every one of these productively unproductive citizens who has suddenly decided to do things like “stop robbing people” and “refrain from delivering random beatings on the subway” is contributing to the closure of many important economic, er, social “institutions”, which hold our nation together and provide incomes for thousands of people who purchase the goods and services from companies that I am personally invested in.

At this time of great economic crisis, such choices to deviate from standard anti-social behavior are clearly unacceptable. In turn, I ask not only that the criminal element return to their thieving ways, but that other Dutch citizens that value what we have developed here opt to join them in a little shoplifting and what-not so we can keep this engine of the economy going. Alternatively, we request that you invite some more Belgians over to party.

While you North Easterner types with your fancy latte sipping parties might not have realized it, down here in the South of Alabama – or at least in the part of South Alabama that consists of my particular trailer park – we have long looked to the Habsburgs as a model for becoming all that we can be. You know,  since the Army won’t have us no more. Sure, occasionally someone might get thinking that we only do this so I, er, I mean we can screw the hell out of our cousins while marrying our sisters, but there’s a whole other side to it.

You see, we all know that the Habsburgs centralized their power in Vienna, and used it as a base to exert influence and acquire resources from an ever-growing region around them. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone around here that would refute the notion that my trailer compound – in the south west corner, right beside the entrance and next to the dump – is the “Vienna of the Trailer park.”

Ain’t nothing done get done around here without me knowing, and as you can see from the stockpile of cans, burned out automobiles, and other valuable resources that I’ve dragged over into my yard, the wealth done just keep accumulugating… accouputating… piling up. And heck, just last wee, I traded in a pile of them damn cans for a free case of beer, and you know what that yielded? MORE CANS! That, my friend, is how the rich get richer, and you expand to control the world and what not.

But as strong as my position may be right now, I can’t rule this whole place from this lawn chair no matter how hard I try. A while back people started dumping stuff over yonder behind my cousin’s place, so, well, I had to nail her. You know, to keep an eye on things. That just led to another dumping ground, and the park just keeps growing and growing. That’s a heckuva lot more valuable aluminum product to collect, but it’s also that much harder to keep track of. Thankfully, a bunch more of us from my family started banging the hell out of each other, we’ve acquired all the double-wides that sit atop the little hills and what not, and our wealth and power just continues to grow.

We were just going to let this model keep working until we assumed our rightful place a top the world next to Kid Rock, but this Habsburg /inbreeding thing has given me a moments pause. Especially that last leader – Charles II – being disabled, mentally retarded, disfigured, and impotent. There is no damn way anyone in my family is going to be impotent. So, we’ve made a note that all marriages within the family are to come to an end, somewhere around 2132.

(click on the image to go to the article).

You can read the rest of this article, including learning about one person’s affinity for crocheting toilet paper rolls disguised as dogs, at Glossy News.