While the debate continues to swirl around whether a 13-year old girl should be allowed to sail solo around the world, recent reports indicate her hopes for becoming the youngest ever to do so are all but shattered – thanks to a Norwegian couple recently launching a fetus into the ocean on a similar journey. While some critics complain that a fetus is “too immature” to handle the demands of such and around-the-earth excursion, supporters indicate that this is no ordinary fetus – having showed great maturity in handling a growth rate twice the normal average, even while confined to a tiny relatively beaker. Moreover, the parent’s carefully chosen call for support – “prevent the abortion of our fetus’ journey” – has become a rallying call for pro-life advocates eager to take up any fight against the words “abortion” and “fetus” in the same sentence.

Remarkably, even if the fetus does manage to complete it’s journey the world-record may be short-lived – first by a test-tube of specimen launched by a German sperm bank three weeks ago, and then by a “broken condom from a one night stand” a New Jersey man launched this morning.

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After learning that Angelina Jolie has surpassed her as the world’s top celebrity, friends of Oprah Winfrey report that she has taken to wearing a vile of Stedman’s blood around in neck in an effort to regain the crown. Some people continue to doubt her dedication to the cause, noting that it remains unclear whether she intends to woo her relatives, or adopt a small nation worth of children – though some guessing that she’s just laying in wait to one-up Jolie’s Brad Pitt move by stealing Ellen Degeneres’ girlfriend.

As the Netherlands faces the prospect of closing eight prisons at the cost of 1,200 jobs due to an appalling “lack of criminals“, Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak is calling on all Dutch citizens to protect this “integral part of the economy during this period of unprecedented economic turmoil” by committing more crimes. Continued »

As Mel Gibson heads towards what some are anticipating to be the most expensive divorce in Hollywood history, it appears he’s decided to “go with a proven defense strategy” – impassionately yelling “freeeeeeeeedommmmmm” over and over again at the court in a faux-Scottish accent. Sources indicate that this strategy,  designed to help “win over the hearts and minds needed to defend, er, his massive wealth“, beat out a variety of other contenders, including a group mooning of the court, hiring Danny Glover as his straight man/ assistant attorney, and of course a prolonged anti-semetic tirade. While somewhat impressed with the creativity of the choice, sources also indicate the divorce proceedings will “likely end quite similarly the movie which inspired the defense strategy” – financially speaking, of course.

A recent report that indicates repeated inbreeding may have brought down the powerful Spanish Habsburg dynasty has led one Southern Alabama man to sit down and “do some serious rethinkering about what we done gone been gettin’ up to down in these here parts.” As he recently explained to our special correspondent, the world’s leading expert on the “nexus of European dynasties of the 1500-1700s and Rural Southern Alabama in the 2000s”:

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In a brazen attempt to capitalize on the swine flu epidemic, KFC launched an innovative new marketing campaign today which focuses on the brand’s “phenomenal health benefits”:

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Don’t get me wrong, Sheila. Its not like I have spent the last two years in the cubicle down the hall believing you were some kind of adrenaline junkie or anything. But ever since our Company got taken over by those rich, foreign guys who don’t know what to do with us next, I spend a good portion of my day listening to you discuss the intimate details of your personal life. And to be honest, the more you reveal to me, the more I have an overwhelming urge to take this letter opener and gauge my eardrums out.

You can read the rest of this article, including learning about one person’s affinity for crocheting toilet paper rolls disguised as dogs, at Glossy News.