Facing continued resistance from estranged husband Jon, and the very high likelihood of multi-million dollar psychiatric bills for her eight children, Kate Gosselin has started preparations to film her new reality series – “Kate Plus Film Crew” – in 2010. Official press releases indicate that the “new reality series will focus on issues that almost anyone can relate to – the trials and tribulations of a recently separated woman as she struggles to keep a film crew following her around, while a TV station pays her a lot of money for the footage, while a court order may or may not prevent the children she is supposed to be taking care of from appearing on film. Imagine the possibilities!” Reports indicate that if this new approach fails, Kate is considering “going all Angelina Jolie on us” and adopting 8 children from around the world, who will then battle with her biological children for time, attention, and said psychiatric care.

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After learning that Angelina Jolie has surpassed her as the world’s top celebrity, friends of Oprah Winfrey report that she has taken to wearing a vile of Stedman’s blood around in neck in an effort to regain the crown. Some people continue to doubt her dedication to the cause, noting that it remains unclear whether she intends to woo her relatives, or adopt a small nation worth of children – though some guessing that she’s just laying in wait to one-up Jolie’s Brad Pitt move by stealing Ellen Degeneres’ girlfriend.

As Mel Gibson heads towards what some are anticipating to be the most expensive divorce in Hollywood history, it appears he’s decided to “go with a proven defense strategy” – impassionately yelling “freeeeeeeeedommmmmm” over and over again at the court in a faux-Scottish accent. Sources indicate that this strategy,  designed to help “win over the hearts and minds needed to defend, er, his massive wealth“, beat out a variety of other contenders, including a group mooning of the court, hiring Danny Glover as his straight man/ assistant attorney, and of course a prolonged anti-semetic tirade. While somewhat impressed with the creativity of the choice, sources also indicate the divorce proceedings will “likely end quite similarly the movie which inspired the defense strategy” – financially speaking, of course.

A recent report that indicates repeated inbreeding may have brought down the powerful Spanish Habsburg dynasty has led one Southern Alabama man to sit down and “do some serious rethinkering about what we done gone been gettin’ up to down in these here parts.” As he recently explained to our special correspondent, the world’s leading expert on the “nexus of European dynasties of the 1500-1700s and Rural Southern Alabama in the 2000s”:

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AMERICAN IDOL’S crankiest judge, Simon Cowell, admitted to a clutch of reporters outside of Hollywood’s Kodak Theater that he has been in therapy for several weeks to deal with “unmixed feelings of approval and appreciation for our best Idol this season, Adam Lambert.”

Cowell, who last week gave Lambert a standing ovation for his rendition of Tears for Fears’ “Mad World,” said there is “no time to waste” in his daily therapy sessions for what he described as “disturbingly positive emotions regarding another human being. I really don’t know what’s come over me, but it has to be stopped.”

You can read the rest of the story behind Cowell’s tragic turn of events at WearYourCape.com.