On the heels PetroChina’s $1.9 Billion bid for a stake in Calgary-based Athabasca Oil Sands Corp., reports indicate that China has submitted a “slightly more ambitious” offer of $7.2 Trillion for “everything in Canada, except Ontario.” While some commentators have indicated that such a deal would create “serious questions” about the sovereignty of the nation going forward, they also note that most Canadians have “disliked Ontario for quite some time, and would have to seriously consider the benefits of severing their ties with their obnoxious neighbours in exchange for the patient, less annoying at dinner parties, long-term partner that China could become.” Reports also indicate that the United States is considering an even higher counter offer in order to maintain acquire control of their northern neighbor, while reducing the exclusion from “except Ontario” to “except Toronto” in order to gain further support from a nation “tired of those latte sipping snobs.” However, this offer is on hold until America figures out whether they can secure financing for the offer from private investors led by China Inc., China Corp, and China Capital Corp. Inc.

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In a creative effort to bolster union finances heading into what could be a long and stinky painful strike, representatives for City of Toronto workers are asking recently laid off and unemployed people to send their benefit cheques directly to Local 416. As a union rep recently explained:

In these trying economic times, it is more important then ever that workers stand together and fight for the wages and benefits they deserve. And who better to understand the importance of this then the thousands of people in the city that have recently lost their jobs, or haven’t been able to find one in a long time? In turn, we are reaching out to this long disenfranchised group, and asking them to join our fight by signing over their unemployment or welfare checks directly to us. If workers and, er, those without work can unite in this way, we can stand strong and maintain our basic human right to, for example, be able to accumulate our sick days and receive multi-thousand dollar payouts just before we retire onto our gold-plated pension plan.

When queried about whether the union would consider giving up a few of these benefits to create new jobs for struggling workers and provide better service to the city during these trying times, he replied “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said – you must be speaking Korean or something” before heading off to throw rocks at people trying to drop their kids off at now-closed day cares.

Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th  straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »

The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider – to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:

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As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:

As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking – what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.

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After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:

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Mere weeks after Lululemon launched a “shop in the nude” challenge to promote their new e-commerce site, the company has decided to shut it down – with the “shocking obesity of our nation, coupled with the ease at which these shockingly obese people can post their videos on YouTube, and their desire to flaunt it even if they don’t got it, combining to make us lose our collective lunches” being cited as the key reason.