A recent report that indicates repeated inbreeding may have brought down the powerful Spanish Habsburg dynasty has led one Southern Alabama man to sit down and “do some serious rethinkering about what we done gone been gettin’ up to down in these here parts.” As he recently explained to our special correspondent, the world’s leading expert on the “nexus of European dynasties of the 1500-1700s and Rural Southern Alabama in the 2000s”:

While you North Easterner types with your fancy latte sipping parties might not have realized it, down here in the South of Alabama – or at least in the part of South Alabama that consists of my particular trailer park – we have long looked to the Habsburgs as a model for becoming all that we can be. You know,  since the Army won’t have us no more. Sure, occasionally someone might get thinking that we only do this so I, er, I mean we can screw the hell out of our cousins while marrying our sisters, but there’s a whole other side to it.

You see, we all know that the Habsburgs centralized their power in Vienna, and used it as a base to exert influence and acquire resources from an ever-growing region around them. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone around here that would refute the notion that my trailer compound – in the south west corner, right beside the entrance and next to the dump – is the “Vienna of the Trailer park.”

Ain’t nothing done get done around here without me knowing, and as you can see from the stockpile of cans, burned out automobiles, and other valuable resources that I’ve dragged over into my yard, the wealth done just keep accumulugating… accouputating… piling up. And heck, just last wee, I traded in a pile of them damn cans for a free case of beer, and you know what that yielded? MORE CANS! That, my friend, is how the rich get richer, and you expand to control the world and what not.

But as strong as my position may be right now, I can’t rule this whole place from this lawn chair no matter how hard I try. A while back people started dumping stuff over yonder behind my cousin’s place, so, well, I had to nail her. You know, to keep an eye on things. That just led to another dumping ground, and the park just keeps growing and growing. That’s a heckuva lot more valuable aluminum product to collect, but it’s also that much harder to keep track of. Thankfully, a bunch more of us from my family started banging the hell out of each other, we’ve acquired all the double-wides that sit atop the little hills and what not, and our wealth and power just continues to grow.

We were just going to let this model keep working until we assumed our rightful place a top the world next to Kid Rock, but this Habsburg /inbreeding thing has given me a moments pause. Especially that last leader – Charles II – being disabled, mentally retarded, disfigured, and impotent. There is no damn way anyone in my family is going to be impotent. So, we’ve made a note that all marriages within the family are to come to an end, somewhere around 2132.