chTONGUEeek’s Degenerative Habit Research Group (DHRG) has learned that a self-diagnosed gambling addict who embezzled more than $7 million from her former employer to pay off gambling debts has received 3:1 odds from a local bookie on her new $10 million lawsuit against area casinos. As she recently explained to us while splitting Kings at a local Jiffy Lube parking lot:

There are really only two reasons I managed to accumulate such a massive gambling debt, neither of which involve any responsibility on my part of course. The first is that the Fallsview Casino used unfair tactics, such as “being open” and “offering gambling”, to lure me into the Casino. The second is that it turns out the odds were always stacked in favor of the house, which was not made clear anywhere except in the “game rules”, which I couldn’t read because I was using them as a coaster.

So bringing this lawsuit is simply justice at work, and allows me to reclaim what is rightfully mine – the millions of dollars in other people’s money that I unfairly lost at said casino. And since I’m so confident that the lawsuit will reveal that it I am not, by nature, a degenerative gambler of any sort, and that any gambling losses that I did incur were entirely the fault of the offending casino, I decided to triple my payday by taking the 3:1 odds offered by Eddie Delfasco who operates out of that back alley over there. It’s not gambling when it’s a sure thing, my friend. Want to go double or nothing on who can eat one of these burritos the fastest?

When asked how she planned to parlay this “sure  thing” into becoming, say, a productive member of society, the woman mumbled something about doubling down on the EXACTA on Friday night, before wandering off to employ her new “Beat the Crossword! scratch-win ticket optimization and wealth building strategy”.