As declining stock prices continue to drive investors to stuff money in their mattresses and build bomb-shelters behind their soon-to-be-repossessed houses, the Fed has come up with a new initiative they hope will reverse the tide – a ban on “not buying stocks.” As the Fed Chairman recently explained:

“What markets need is a healthy balance of buyers and sellers – by which I of course mean more buyers than sellers. We can’t ban selling stocks, because that would go against everything a free market stands for. Instead, we’re going to ban not buying stocks, so sellers can more easily find a buyer.

In fact, the best thing you can do for yourself – and America – is to sell your own stocks back to yourself, preferably for a healthy profit that more accurately reflects their true worth. Not only with this ensure stock prices keep going up, but the healthy commissions on what you sell back to yourself for a profit will help recapitalize many financial institutions that are currently under a lot of stress. Buy undertaking these forced sell + buy back combinations, we will all be doing our part to support these important pillars of American capitalism.”

When asked about the apparent similarities to something called a “pyramid scheme”, the Chairman spoke at length about his admiration for the startling Egyptian achievement, before appointing his new regulatory Pharaoh-in-Chief.