As the reality of California’s first-ever furloughs reverberated through the state last week with 200,000 workers staying home on unpaid leave, chTONGUEeek has learned that speed-of-service metrics declined a shocking 0.21%. While questions have already started to mount about how long Californians can reasonably be expected to deal with such a slow down in exchange for savings of “merely tens of millions of dollars” per day, our special correspondent has also learned that customer satisfaction ratings have actually increased by 274%. As a guy sitting on a park bench explained recently:

My routine for dealing with the state has been pretty much, er, routine. I wander into what appears to be the correct office in the morning and make what seems like a simple request to a very surly looking individual. They stare at me blank-faced for about 20 minutes, ask me to take a seat somewhere to the left, and then wander over several hours later and tell me that either I don’t have all the information they need, or alternatively that I have so much information they need to send me somewhere else. If I ask where, they tell me they’re going on lunch. Several hours later they return, ask me to line-up again, and then tell me the office is closed.

But Friday was like an entirely new world! Not only was the “office is closed” sign on the door amazingly clear, forthright, and almost chipper in comparison to my usual experience, it communicated to me that they’d do nothing for me that day in a remarkably short time frame. In turn, I managed to accomplish nothing in a much shorter period of time than usual, from the comforts of my local Starbucks. Ok fine, local Dunkin Donuts – it is a recession after all. But regardless of where I got my coffee from, the one thing I know for sure is this is the best experience I’ve had gaining absolutely no benefit from interacting with the State of California – tickle me impressed.