As the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) prepares to raise prices yet again, Moody’s has announced that they are initiating coverage of the underlying tokens by applying a Aaa “investment grade” rating – making them the highest quality, lowest risk assets available on the market. As a spokesperson recently explained:

The TTC, without fail, has managed to implement significant price increases every few years, and has done so without having to shoulder the costs for things like “improved service.” This alone makes the underlying tokens an attractive investment, as investors can receive equity-like price appreciation on a liquid asset, while only taking on government-debt levels of risk. And given that the owners of the TTC – otherwise known as the City of Toronto – have repeatedly proven that they can’t balance a budget, investors can be sure that similar price increases will continue well into the future. In turn, we are recommending that all investors take advantage of this attractive and emerging asset class, assuming they have any money left after paying to ride the subway.

When asked about the underlying risks, the spokesperson started mumbling something about “well, I suppose the TTC might start becoming more efficient some day and offer better value for money to transit riders”, before the overwhelming streams of laughter from the crowd forced security to bring the meeting to a halt.

Facing continued resistance from estranged husband Jon, and the very high likelihood of multi-million dollar psychiatric bills for her eight children, Kate Gosselin has started preparations to film her new reality series – “Kate Plus Film Crew” – in 2010. Official press releases indicate that the “new reality series will focus on issues that almost anyone can relate to – the trials and tribulations of a recently separated woman as she struggles to keep a film crew following her around, while a TV station pays her a lot of money for the footage, while a court order may or may not prevent the children she is supposed to be taking care of from appearing on film. Imagine the possibilities!” Reports indicate that if this new approach fails, Kate is considering “going all Angelina Jolie on us” and adopting 8 children from around the world, who will then battle with her biological children for time, attention, and said psychiatric care.

While the debate continues to swirl around whether a 13-year old girl should be allowed to sail solo around the world, recent reports indicate her hopes for becoming the youngest ever to do so are all but shattered – thanks to a Norwegian couple recently launching a fetus into the ocean on a similar journey. While some critics complain that a fetus is “too immature” to handle the demands of such and around-the-earth excursion, supporters indicate that this is no ordinary fetus – having showed great maturity in handling a growth rate twice the normal average, even while confined to a tiny relatively beaker. Moreover, the parent’s carefully chosen call for support – “prevent the abortion of our fetus’ journey” – has become a rallying call for pro-life advocates eager to take up any fight against the words “abortion” and “fetus” in the same sentence.

Remarkably, even if the fetus does manage to complete it’s journey the world-record may be short-lived – first by a test-tube of specimen launched by a German sperm bank three weeks ago, and then by a “broken condom from a one night stand” a New Jersey man launched this morning.

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On the heels PetroChina’s $1.9 Billion bid for a stake in Calgary-based Athabasca Oil Sands Corp., reports indicate that China has submitted a “slightly more ambitious” offer of $7.2 Trillion for “everything in Canada, except Ontario.” While some commentators have indicated that such a deal would create “serious questions” about the sovereignty of the nation going forward, they also note that most Canadians have “disliked Ontario for quite some time, and would have to seriously consider the benefits of severing their ties with their obnoxious neighbours in exchange for the patient, less annoying at dinner parties, long-term partner that China could become.” Reports also indicate that the United States is considering an even higher counter offer in order to maintain acquire control of their northern neighbor, while reducing the exclusion from “except Ontario” to “except Toronto” in order to gain further support from a nation “tired of those latte sipping snobs.” However, this offer is on hold until America figures out whether they can secure financing for the offer from private investors led by China Inc., China Corp, and China Capital Corp. Inc.

Report: Peewee Herman has moved in next door. http://mns.isgreat.org/

I don’t know… I was looking for a more strategic bacon. http://ow.ly/lBrA

Report: Premier worried about inferiority complex sweeping the province. http://ow.ly/lBnB

Report: Brazil preparing for American invasion. http://ow.ly/lBkY

Report: This British man clearly needs a date. http://ow.ly/lBjO

Southern Alabama cops are apparently being hired as Google engineers… http://twitpic.com/f9oh5

Perhaps they should replace “memorable” with “arresting”… http://imgur.com/DdRg2.jpg

So… did mailing this letter kill a child then? http://imgur.com/58nFP.png

A new challenger for worst ad placement ever… http://ow.ly/ljo9

Tech support simplified… http://ow.ly/l5Sr

Fireman might be taking this “green movement” a little too far… http://imgur.com/6JNZ.jpg

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