In an attempt to deal with the dual issue of parents being stuck at home due to city daycare workers being on strike, and trash piling up around the city due to garbagemen being on strike, the City of Toronto has announced an innovative new ‘take your kids to pick up garbage day’ for this coming Monday. However, David Miller did remind Toronto citizens looking to capitalize on this opportunity that there really wasn’t anywhere for them to take the garbage they might pick up, thus his team would be following the kids and parents around to give them $10,000 fines if the garbage is placed anywhere other than their garages. When told that most people don’t have garages in this city, and many don’t even have yards, he noted the alternative option of parents just taking some of their 18 sick days, and whatever else they’ve banked over the years, to stay home for the duration of the strike. When reminded that the only people living on Toronto that have that option are those currently on strike, he reminded us “that’s why we created take your kid to pick up garbage’ day”, before fining a reporter $380 when a wrapper fell out of his pocket.

In a creative effort to bolster union finances heading into what could be a long and stinky painful strike, representatives for City of Toronto workers are asking recently laid off and unemployed people to send their benefit cheques directly to Local 416. As a union rep recently explained:

In these trying economic times, it is more important then ever that workers stand together and fight for the wages and benefits they deserve. And who better to understand the importance of this then the thousands of people in the city that have recently lost their jobs, or haven’t been able to find one in a long time? In turn, we are reaching out to this long disenfranchised group, and asking them to join our fight by signing over their unemployment or welfare checks directly to us. If workers and, er, those without work can unite in this way, we can stand strong and maintain our basic human right to, for example, be able to accumulate our sick days and receive multi-thousand dollar payouts just before we retire onto our gold-plated pension plan.

When queried about whether the union would consider giving up a few of these benefits to create new jobs for struggling workers and provide better service to the city during these trying times, he replied “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said - you must be speaking Korean or something” before heading off to throw rocks at people trying to drop their kids off at now-closed day cares.

Exciting reports out of Washington today indicate that, thanks to a recent slew of re-negotiated contracts, the various unions across the country have managed to successfully screw over younger workers in order to support the older ones for a record breaking 1,647th  straight time. As one union rep told chTONGUEeek off the record yesterday: Continued »

After learning that Angelina Jolie has surpassed her as the world’s top celebrity, friends of Oprah Winfrey report that she has taken to wearing a vile of Stedman’s blood around in neck in an effort to regain the crown. Some people continue to doubt her dedication to the cause, noting that it remains unclear whether she intends to woo her relatives, or adopt a small nation worth of children - though some guessing that she’s just laying in wait to one-up Jolie’s Brad Pitt move by stealing Ellen Degeneres’ girlfriend.

The fact that consumer confidence has climbed to it’s highest level in 15 months is the “most definitive proof yet” that Canadians are getting much stupider - to the point that some experts are saying the “country is at risk of looking like absolute retards on the global scene.” As an anonymous source wearing a very credible looking bow tie told chTONGUEeek yesterday:

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Reports from anonymous sources inside the NBA league office indicate that commissioner David Stern is lobbying hard to push through a “Lebron James for J.J. Reddick and a first round pick” trade before the NBA finals tip-off this Thursday. While acknowledging that there is no precedent for such a seemingly unfair move in the days right before the finals, the Commissioner has presented a compelling case to the other owners in the league – including that recouping the $48 Million already invested in “The NBA: where Lebron vs. Kobe happens” paraphernalia would help with revenue sharing, and that the inequity issue is overblown due to the relative talent exchange being roughly equal to what the Lakers gave up to acquire Pau Gasol’s services last year.

As the news that GM is finally filing for bankruptcy failed to make a single wave in the market given that “everyone and their dog knew this was coming“, the UAW is trying to regain the spotlight by highlighting how they are “looking forward to bankrupting bigger, better things in the future.” As a spokesperson explained to chTONGUEeek this morning:

As century-old GM filed for bankruptcy this morning, we know what everyone has been asking - what took so long? After all, the combination of shitty products and absurd compensation systems indicate that this destruction of a once seemingly omnipotent company should have happened decades ago, and we too are shocked at the number of years we’ve had to wait for this inevitably. But rest assured, we will now work faster, smarter and better in the coming years as we pursue our goal of bankrupting bigger and better things.

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After CPP executives announced that investment losses from the last few months equaled 3.5 years of contributions from the public, Canadians stormed Parliament Hill over the weekend demanding higher salaries and bonuses for the executives in charge of managing the plan. As one young protester explained yesterday:

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As the Netherlands faces the prospect of closing eight prisons at the cost of 1,200 jobs due to an appalling “lack of criminals“, Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak is calling on all Dutch citizens to protect this “integral part of the economy during this period of unprecedented economic turmoil” by committing more crimes. Continued »

As Mel Gibson heads towards what some are anticipating to be the most expensive divorce in Hollywood history, it appears he’s decided to “go with a proven defense strategy” - impassionately yelling “freeeeeeeeedommmmmm” over and over again at the court in a faux-Scottish accent. Sources indicate that this strategy,  designed to help “win over the hearts and minds needed to defend, er, his massive wealth“, beat out a variety of other contenders, including a group mooning of the court, hiring Danny Glover as his straight man/ assistant attorney, and of course a prolonged anti-semetic tirade. While somewhat impressed with the creativity of the choice, sources also indicate the divorce proceedings will “likely end quite similarly the movie which inspired the defense strategy” - financially speaking, of course.